ROCD can lead you to think that there is something wrong with your relationship, and constantly having doubts about it, even if it’s perfectly fine. I can relate to that, at least considering what happened in the past, but now… I don’t know whether the description fits, considering I have no other symptoms, or if I am just looking for an “easy way out”, as easy as ROCD could be.

Am I having “inappropriate sexual thoughts”? Gee, let me think about it… Does daydreaming of jumping my coach classify as inappropriate, considering I’m married?You tell me. I guess it could, but not really. Naughy yes, inappropriate only if you’re a prude.

Do these thoughts cause me anxiety? Duh! Again, 6 months ago I wanted to be married, what the hell lead me to change my position so radically? Sexy coach?

Ok, I did realize something was not right before getting anxious. I miss fire, I miss passion and I thought it was ok. Before, I needed stability, a peaceful mind and the safety of tender love. I am not looking forward to starting dating again, considering I have always been a disaster at it. But I can’t deny I miss the flirting, especially since I have missed out on it. I guess I haven’t had such a great dating life, and although I thought that was just not meant for me, I ‘m sorry I haven’t done it; now that it’s not possible anymore.

I suppose it’s much easier to blame it on ROCD than realising I have made a¬† mistake. I don’t like making mistakes, so admitting that I haven’t been able to listen to myself is not something I’m that prone to. I have dreamt just oh so many times to sleep with other people and feeling guilty about it while still in my dreams. Maybe I should have let this flow a little more, instead of dismissing it.

And a classy mistake at that. I don’t regret having married, I wanted to do it for the right reasons, I was willing to make efforts to make sure that everything could go as smoothly as possible. I was committed. I just can’t find that strength anymore. I see problems, I see things I would like to change, but I lack impetus. I can’t really say whether it depends on my pessimism, if it’s just because I kind of believe these problems can’t be fixed and hence I won’t even try, or if it’s just that I can’t be bothered enough anymore.

I have the impression that I have to make an effort, instead of wanting to. I’ve never been good at doing things that are imposed to me. I tend to wriggle from it, it’s suffocating. I wish sometimes I could just find a reason to struggle, to fight for it. It would be easier, it would be worthier, it would be righteous. It would be much closer to my dear perfection.

Yet the only feelings I get are guilt, fear and insecurity. I can’t stand the idea of hurting him, I can’t cope with the mess a separation would bring on any level – family, friends, money – and I can’t imagine having to give up on having someone close at all times. Although, if I can’t talk to him, express freely how I feel and communicate at the deepest level, maybe it’s a pretty useless kind of company.

And I have no way of letting him understand I did believe in us. When I was having my breakdown, I was haunted by the thought that he could give up on me, just not fight through the mess. Funny how now I’m the one giving up, for no apparent reason.

I wish I could find a way to just believe in this marriage again. But in the back of my mind, I am sorry to ban the idea of exploring this thing with my coach. I have been attracted to other people in the past, but it was just good looks, thoughts I would abandon in a few days, realising my husband was indeed everything I wanted back then. OK, a few more abs couldn’t have hurt…

This time, everything mixes together. There’s this crisis with my husband, which feels much more radicated to real problems than it’s ever been, there’s my passion for my sport, which right now seems stronger and more important than anything else, there’s me alone, free to think about all my problems and paranoias while I drive to training and while I train, and there’s the coach, cute, smart, funny and so deeply connected to the sport. I don’t know the guy, I’ve never had a proper conversation with him about life or anything, but all my passion for the sport funnels into him. Not only I want to excel, I want him to watch me do it. I am conviced that he knows how strong the passion for a sport can be, and I believe he could understand this better than my husband. He is my coach, I’ve never have a real coach before and I feel, despite everything else, that he is a key figure in my life, the catalyst of my goals. My sport is my project right now, it’s all I have to give purpose to my life.

Maybe even too much. I’ve started exploring the idea that I developed so much passion for it because it’s my only source of passion right now. I feel like I love my sport more than I love my husband and that may be because the passion I lost for my husband was absorbed by it. It’s supposed to be the opposite: sport should be a way of improving my lifestyle, but it shouldn’t be getting in the way of my relationship. If my husband told me he had a great job offer in a place where I couldn’t play anymore, I should just be happy for him and go. Well that even before, before meeting my current coach, would have been devastating.

I have always liked playing and watching TV events, ever since I was in Middle School. I got back in the game as an adult way too late just because I had no idea I could still compete at my age and ever since I’ve been focussed on this more than anything. My career at work is not developing as I hoped while I was studying so all the satisfaction and confidence that should come from a job I get from playing. It’s not like I’ll ever be able to turn pro or anything, but it’s fine. I’ll just keep doing my thing as long as my ligatures allow it. I’m not dreaming to play at Worlds, I know my limits and I accept them.

I guess part of the problem came exactly from his being reluctant towards my willingness to devote so much time to training. In some ways, I understand and I can’t blame him. Had I not this goal, I would be frowining too at the idea of spending a few evenings a week home alone. But having to negotiate between training and him got me really fuming. He thinks that if I were training 5 days a week, he could as well move into a hotel. I’m starting to think he’s right. If I were willing to sacrifice 5 evenings of my time with him fot training, maybe I should be married to training. It’s as if only by suggesting I had boundaries in training, he got me to build boundaries towards him. I already have so little time and so little money to dedicate to this, moral limitations are the last thing I need.

Right before entering into this swirl, there was one night, maybe just one hour, when I felt a happiness so great I thought I would explode. I had just finished my training, and my other coach had just finished drafting my play. It was like finally catching up with all the years this had been prevented, like every little accomplishment in the last 20 years had finally gotten together to shape my dream.

I had given up dreaming. I spent a long time just facing brutal reality so disillusioned that I dried up like a fallen leave. I don’t even want to go and speculate how my life would have looked like if I had been able to do all this at the right time when I was a kid, because maybe back then I wasn’t ready. Perhaps only now this could come to happen. Hope rekindled when I found out I not only could play but I could compete as an adult and getting where I am now, it’s just an inch away from making it become reality. I have no idea what it will be like. I am more than aware that when you await something for so long, it’s hardly ever as you expected it. But I won’t give it up before trying.

My life has changed so much in the past couple of years. I would have never thought I would be doing half the things I do now. I have changed as a person, I have changed the relationship with my family, detatching from the rotten part and reaching out towards new people that can be really on my side. I ended up not giving a fuck about my job, whereas all I wanted was working 10 hours a day and proving I was a nerd. I have struggled to open myself up and build new friendships and still struggling I am punching myself and my pride to take them to the next level. I have awakened dreams and hopes and fought for my happiness, instead of being kicked in the back by it. I guess I still have a lot to learn about this last part though. I am becoming a person I like and throughout all this process I constantly come to face every section of my past, connecting the dots.

I just have to try and connect my husband in all of this.

I shouldn’t have stopped writing, it keeps me connected to myself.