How is it even possible to lose all of your feelings for someone in a couple of weeks? This can’t be right, it feels insane. I remember all the years we spent together as if they were covered in bandages, as if there was a filter between me and them. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life, I just felt so well, so quiet and safe. I look at my wedding band and it’s like I don’t even know why it’s on my finger.

I guess, living in this state hurts and stresses me so much that I think about somebody else just to have the faintest hope of ever gaining back that happiness. Am I just protecting myself?
Why do I never understand what is really going on? It feels like my mind and my heart are never on the same page, that every easiest part of life is turned into the worst conundrum, an inexplicable clusterfuck where I navigate with no course, no light or stars to guide me and while monsters keep jumping upon deck from down below.

I understand that making difficult choices is by definition difficult, and it can take time to evaluate situations and ponder what’s best, but never knowing what’s going on? I’m tired of this. I just want to know, to understand and to do what’s right or what’s best, whatever. Did this happen just because I was unable to handle a situation where change was necessary?

I wonder if I’m just blocking out all the suffering, whether from the sorrow of separation or the inability to steer our relationship toward a new reality. Or is it just guilt, as I’ve felt before? Because I have thought this relationship is not enough anymore, for having wanted to be with somebody else, for having blamed the wrong person?

I wish I had an instruction manual, the one they forgot to issue when I was brought into this world. I always have this doubt of being wrong. I wish it was as simple as “I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested”. I never know if what I feel is common and just hard, pathological or troublesome and hence even harder for me because I have such a disastrous interface with my feelings.

I have been happy for over a year and now since I’m not anymore, the only thing I can think of is wondering whether I really was or I was just pretending. Reality must always be second guessed. Whenever I’m in a crisis I start doubting every single inch of the past, I can deconstruct months of “perceived reality” in a couple of hours and dismiss them as wrong. 

Is it me having difficulties each time I am at a critical point in my life or is it me creating critical conditions for the sake of my demons?

I lost my anchor. There have been ups and downs in the past few months, of every possible kind, but I was ok because I wasn’t fighting alone. Now I’m alone and even though there are no problems in sight I feel as lost as I’ve ever been.

Did I elope to my Fantasyland again because I don’t like my reality anymore or is it a wake up call from the outer world saying it’s time to drop the lies?

This is the problem. That everytime there is something out there that shakes me up a little more than what’s comfortable, I turn against myself. That’s why this is not over. I shouldn’t need to analyse reality just to know if I love my husband or not, instead I do. I should not question my sanity just because I have a crush on somebody else, instead I do. I thought it was over, instead it’s not. These are the times when I lose control of time and space, when my lungs turn to ice, my eyes seem to lift stones and I can do nothing else but sigh and snort.

I don’t want to be the girl who snorts anymore. Nobody likes the girl that snort, not even herself.