Isn’t the Internet a magnificent tool?

It lets you spy on people without them even knowing. And the younger the people, the more the information available. Once upon a time you had to do your due diligence to find out stuff about guys, you had to expose yourself asking around, eavesdrop in other people’s conversations. Not anymore.

I just found pictures, birth dates, career details, academics, hobbies, sports placements… and a lot more I could easily deduce.

Instead, I am dead good at hiding everything. No tweet, no blog (not with my real name of course), no Linked-in, discreet Facebook page for non-friends. I am part of a different generation. The only obvious piece of information is that I’m married. Photos of the wedding EVERYWHERE.

While I was searching yesterday I stumbled upon one of his pictures and my heart stopped. It was taken during a wedding, he had a white rose pinned in his suit jacket. I had never considered that possibility. Way too young, I told myself, but I couldn’t find peace until I found another picture where his bare left hand was well displayed. Only then my heart slowed down again.

It was terrifying. Dealing with my own potential cheating is one thing, one I have all the control over, but looking in from the other perspective was madness. In that moment I was sure that if he had been married, it would have turned into a fool’s errand. I would have been crazy and stupid to even believe that there might be something there in the way he looks at me.

Then I put myself in his shoes. If it’s true that there is something, as big as that if can be, why should he react any differently when he finds out I’m married?

And more importantly, do I want to risk breaking not one, not two, but three hearts all together? I wish something happened outside of my brain to confront myself with the reality of it. I may want him so much, but nobody knows what I’d do if he did make a move on me. I may freeze, guilt may freeze me or embarrassment or shame. 

I can’t force him out of my brain because I can’t force him out of my life. If I could run I’d try at least, but he is going to be present regularly for quite a long time, I sure as hell am not quitting for this, so I’ll just have to accept his presence. On the outside and on the inside. For as long as it takes. So I figured, I don’t want to stall any chance of approach. I’m not gonna run away right after practice just to fight the drive. If I let it come and go as it pleases, it may even go and stay gone. If it stays, I’ll study it and react as best as I can. And if I complicate everything in doing so, sorry. I hate making mistakes but I still have no idea which one is the mistake here, so I’ll have to rely on science and experiments. When I try and force events I only end up stressed and miserable.

Let’s try change, for a change.

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