There is no apparent reason why I chose him, in the myriad of men out there, to find an alternative to my current life. Sure, there’s this connection with the sport, he is part of a life that I live alone and independently, he has leverage on me because he is my coach, bla bla bla. That’s not it. It was all in his eyes.

It was still one of my very first practices, I was gathering my things, I had just put on my jacket and backpack, getting ready to leave. I looked up and caught him gazing at me. Not one of those glimpses you cast to anything that catches your eye when it suddenly moves around you. It was there before I noticed, it was there before I moved. I obviously have no way of telling what he was thinking, but sometimes a second is enough to instill reasonable doubt. Some feelings and impressions on people stay dormant until the tiniest of details makes you wonder “what if”.

Sometimes, when you find out some people are attracted to you, you almost jerk in disgust and start avoiding them lest they may misinterpret your actions. Some other times, a door opens in front of you. You consider a completely different path you hadn’t even imagined and start seeing possibilities and crossroads where you thought was only boredom and obviousness. Yet again some times, it unleashes a whole universe of sensations that were already there only hidden under a veil of unawareness, it’s the sparkle the fire was waiting for to start burning.

Once the inkling is there, you start decrypting every movement through that key, you swipe every corner for a single speck of dust that may confirm your theory. Every detail is meaningful, yet you can never find certainty. That’s what pushes you, every day, every chance you get, to discover more, you brush the bubble and see if it bursts or if it parts and lets you inside.

With every brush your soul vibrates with expectation and longing, terror and eagerness, bravery and shyness. With your eyes blindfolded, your hands begin probing the world around, you bare your heart and your weaknesses and pray not to be smacked in return. All you want to find is the warmth of their skin.

I dreamt of his kisses tonight and  I can’t shake that feeling from my mind.

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