I have dreamt, hoped even prayed for something to happen with coach, and when I say “something” I mean it. I don’t care what, anything. I’m fine with having this door slammed shut to my face, but I need to know. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to decide if I have no definitive answer.

It’s amazing how some people who are relatively irrelevant to your life can turn into milestones for a simple sentence they uttered. In this case, my mind goes back to Tony. I met him while I was in college, we used to go snowboarding with the same group of people. We did have a fling of course but that’s insignificant. One day, he said this extremely sensible thing: when you meet someone you like, and they like you too, it’s all gonna happen fast: within two weeks top.

It’s just so true. At least, it’s always been extremely true in my case. But for Tony himself, ironically, who I ended up dating a good couple of years after we had first met. When we first met he was with someone else, then I left for a while, when I came back he was with someone else and when I was about to leave again he was “drunk and desperate” at the idea and even though I suspect he was with someone else at that time too, we did date a couple of times.  

Anyways, that’s beyond the point. The point is, my two-weeks-window with coach has already expired. I have observed how the two-weeks-window tends to stretch whenever there is a “third wheel” involved. I don’t even want to conjecture how long it could drag out in case of a “fourth wheel”, which as far as I know could well be there too. Still, it worries me. Ever since I started being “aware” of him, I noticed an increase in what I perceive as signals, that’s assuming it’s not all in my head – a big if. But then this week: nothing. I can’t help but wonder if it stopped because of me. Was I supposed to do something differently, to be more explicit? Has he been put off in any way? It seems to me I’m doing all I can, but I realise my room for manoeuvre is limited. I could be much more straightforward if I were single. In the end that’s the reason why I didn’t accept his lift the other week, it was too exposing. He might not know that, and that’s why I’ve always needed a chance to just talk to him and explain the situation.

I feel like I can’t be the one initiating action, because it would look like a ruse, like pushing and pulling at the same time, one step forward one back. What I’m trying to do is creating the conditions to be alone or at least private with him, but I can never do it, not without being bold. Maybe I’m just thinking I shouldn’t be too bold, because the sole idea scares the shit out of me. It’s hard enough having to tell him I’m married, the idea of just going up to him and asking him out is overwhelming. All that plus I’d really like to avoid being considered a slut.

I’m planning to show up at the arena today and tomorrow, hoping to meet him there outside training hours so that at least I can bypass the noise of all my team mates, but I’m afraid it won’t be enough.

I’ve been reading a few dating advices on Cosmopolitan. It’s just brilliant: I’d like to ask a few men what would they think of a girl who chats them up that way, because my impression would just be that she’s a total whore. Nonetheless, whores get dates and I don’t. Discuss.

One thing is clear though: I haven’t been sending enough signals. Shit.

This is the point: I miss dating, no better, I have missed out on dating. I have almost never been on a proper date, definitely have never flirted, I’ve never taken my fate into my own hands. I’ve always waited for things to just happen to me, no wonder nothing ever happened! It’s already a miracle my life has been so ok. I’m tired and I’m bored. I can’t wait to do this, I am already getting white hair here and there, if I have a chance to ever seduce anyone it’s got to be around now.And I’m just dying to give it a try.

In the meantime, everyone deserted me for the weekend. Luck hates me.