There are moments in life that you’ll never be able to delete from your head and even after years, decades, when you think about it you can’t help smiling or more often you can’t help blushing.
I’ve been thinking over the possibility of giving this address to some friends. Renée would like to read it, Faith used to read anything I’d write and Stephen would love anything blog related. While my relationship with Renée is too fresh to just expose everything like this, if I think of letting Faith read this, well, the first image that comes to my mind is her smiling face turned back to me when she said “he’s reading!”.

Oh man, that must have been the single most embarrassing moment of my life. We were still in high school, 15 or 16 at the time, I don’t know for sure since I spent ALL high school totally mad about Andrew. Second and probably biggest crush of my life, he didn’t even see me. So I wrote this sort of poem, but not really, a lyrical description of Andrew one day, the kind of text that makes it pretty clear that you’re hopelessly in love with someone and I gave the notebook to Faith to let her read it. As it happened, he was sitting beside her and since they knew each other, she had this wonderful idea to just hand over the notebook to him and say “oh, it’s for you”. Then she turns around triumphantly and tells me “he’s reading!”.
I have no idea how I have managed to endure this for years every single morning all throughout high school. I just wanted to dig my own grave there and then and bury myself alive in it.

So, it’s not that I don’t trust her, she doesn’t even know coach anyway, it’s just that it reminds me of how I would feel it somehow this slipped in the wrong hands.
On the one side, my husband’s. Ouch.
On the other, someone from the arena. I already have to watch my back, well no, my eyes every time I’m around him, to prevent anyone from noticing my heart-shaped-gaze, I don’t need anyone guessing who’s behind the keyboard.
I’ve been working hard to keep everything as anonymous as possible, but let’s face it, it can only do so much. If someone is looking for clues and knows me, it’s gonna come out. While on the one side I always kind of wish for things to surface, on the other I’m not ready to deal with the nuclear fallout it would cause.

 

Advertisements