For the past few weeks, I have been feeling so tired I can hardly wake in the morning. It might have to do with the fact that each time I go to practice I end up sleeping only 5 hours at night. For A) I get home at 1.00 am, and B) when I do, I rarely am calm enough to doze off at once, I usually brood and think about what just happened over and over again. I also feel like I can’t sleep properly in my “nuptial bed”. The constant presence of my husband beside me, while I wish somebody else’s body were there, is disturbing. Moreover, my mind is probably so stressed about all my thinking and feeling that a good night’s sleep is hardly enough to reboot.

Tonight I suspect it was more about my dreams, those scoundrels! It’s been happening for a while now. At least since London, maybe even earlier. Sometimes I dream about Andrew (he who was reading). It’s been 12 years and my mind still goes there. Unbelievable. I’ll admit this time it may be my fault. It usually happens when I think or talk about him, although some times he shows up on his own accord unannounced, and yesterday, having realised pictures on FB aren’t private anymore, I did have a peek at his profile. His face has changed, but his eyes haven’t. No matter what happens in my life, truth is I would still love to give it a try.

I don’t know why I have always been convinced that you shouldn’t let a guy know that you’re interested in him. I wish I knew who taught me that: it’s absurd. It’s still the dear old Wizard’s first rule: people are stupid, and men even more so. If they don’t have a clue, how the Hell are they supposed to imagine it? I’m nowhere near Charlize Theron here, I don’t just know they like me, it takes much more action than that. By now, I should have learnt that I may not be the hottest female around but I am good enough to instil that reasonable doubt. Men are so like peacocks: once they know there’s a female around ready to be impressed, they spread their tail. So you just HAVE to let them understand you ARE around. In that, they are stubborn. You can’t just be subtle, they do not understand little signals as we do, they need road signs. In the end, in that they are like me: if I suspect someone is interested, I evaluate. And just because someone is interested, they feel flattered and there goes the tail. I have never played my card with Andrew. He knew, but he got the news in a very wrong way. Back then I wouldn’t have known where to start, but now, I’d like to have my chance to show off. Who knows, it might even work. I’ve never been to a high school reunion, I have no idea if there were any or I was just not invited, but should it happen in the future I will give it a shot. Really, it’s a matter of pride.

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