Olivia’s right

I should have known. I should have seen that something was wrong when I stopped listening to my music. I probably thought I had outgrown it, that it was something left in my teenage past. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It has accompanied me throughout all of my life, every song is a memory, every melody a state of mind – or heart. It captures the intensity of my feelings like an instagram, good or bad, all the pain, the joy, the hope, the desperation. And singing. God I missed singing in my car when I drive around town alone. It feels so much better when it’s your songs instead of a stupid hit on the radio. I have started seeing the music again, steps just pop up in front of my eyes and I can’t help but start checking if the cueing can be right for a programme. Best thing is I can really do it now.

I have been living like a middle aged spinster at the peak of my youth, people did try to wake me up, but I just never listened. It’s as if I had such a desperate need for love that I just accepted any crumble I could collect along the way. Once I decided to date a guy, I never stopped to think if I really liked him, if he was a worthy person or a jerk, it was a god-sent gift and I always accepted it with no complaint. I wanted not to be alone and never second guessed my choices: I never took what I wanted, I just collected fallen fruits instead of picking them right from the tree.

I read a few forum threads about having a crush when you’re married and there was this woman who said she had only ever been with one man, her husband, who she didn’t even like in the beginning, and at 30-something she realised she had never had the chance to have someone she was attracted to, and she hadn’t had the courage to put herself out there because she wasn’t confident enough. It must be a wake up call. I understand it’s all different when you have children and leaving your husband may become unbearable, but I hope so much she just went out there to feel good. Women sacrifice their happiness so often in the name of responsibility, even unaware, and it’s maybe the biggest violence we ever suffer, because we do it to ourselves. We need, I need to keep in mind what I want, because it’s my life and I’m tired of being “supposed to” do this or that. I want to make my mistakes and tell everone frowning to just fuck off.

And yet everyone just answered “forget about the other dude, just concentrate on your marriage, solve your problems with your husband”. No, I totally agree with Olivia Wilde, and only now I realise how stupid the concept of signing a contract on your feelings may be. Feelings change and no signature should keep you from exploring them. People shouldn’t get married unless they want to have means to protect their children – or unless they need someone to provide for them economically. Maybe divorce has become too easy for marriage to be taken seriously, but again, maybe it was due time people understood that the idea of endless love and marriage do not equate.

I felt “arrived” when I got married, that probably did scare me enough to wake me up and see the rest of my life still in front of me.

I am such an idiot. There, I said it, it’s officially an all-week-loop!