I was reading an article by some womanizer dispensing advices to other boys on how not to fall for a girl too soon and other self-protective measures. As stupid as the whole thing may sound, one point did hit me: he was saying that if you want to establish a deeper connection with a girl you’re supposed to let your inner self show, but cautioned not to do this unless they are absolutely crazy about the girl. Otherwise she would just fall desperately in love while he isn’t really that interested.

Fact is, that is exactly what I was planning to do. It’s the whole idea behind this dating frenzy. I want to play “the game”, because I finally feel eligible and understand the rules, but my only other weapon is being who I am, including this new overflow of feelings that I am experiencing. This is not me wanting to bed half the male population of the city. I’m not looking to collect jars of hearts either though, as I honestly think and hope it takes something more to fall in love that desperately. It’s not just being fascinated by someone, is what you share with them, what they can give you and how they really make you feel.

I saw a photograph today: “In Love” from the new Gap campaign “Love comes in every shade”. It burnt right through me. It represents everything I’d want right now. There is a magic in the way they hold each other, their closeness, the strength and protectiveness of his arms through her hair, the tenderness of her surrendering to him, the calmness of their expression, the perfect duality of their bodies, the way they complete one another as opposites, the passion of two souls trying to merge.

I am not done searching. With different means, with a different awareness, with a different confidence, but I’m still searching for love. I don’t need it to fill a hole inside of me, I don’t need it to make me safe, to feel secure, protected and shielded, I don’t need it to feel beautiful and strong. I need it to share my life, I need a mate.

I am willing to let myself shine through, to expose all that I am because I believe everything I have inside is good and need to find the perfect person to share it with. Not only in the search for a mate, with every person who comes into my life, family, friends. I am ready to present myself to the world like a debutante, it’s as if I had blossomed now for the first time. I do believe that only exposing this side of me I’ll be able to access the same room inside everyone else I want to explore. It’s as if I had lost fear of people and could see their good sides again. I want to taste their nectar kissing them with my long bill.

It sounds like the worst of ideas, since it would leave me defenseless and vulnerable, but I’ve been closed shut all my life and still haven’t found what I need. I have means, knowledge and experience now, I have myself, now I’m ready to open up again. As hard as this road is.

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