Some nights I feel stuck. I have worked in these years to change who I am, how I approach life, my relationships with others, everything. Now I thought I was finally reaping, feeling like a different person, a newly blossomed flower, with the best yet to come. I feel different, act different, am different. But some nights the past is clingy and you just can’t shake it from yourself. It’s the nights when no matter how hard you try you don’t see any difference, the nights you start with hope and silly grins only to end up in tears again, it’s the nights when you feel so sure of yourself that you just don’t take loss into account. Those nights it seems like you haven’t moved of a single foot from where you used to stand, the struggle to break the old skin and leave it behind feels like a mockery and you consider yourself but a fool for only trying and believing.

The power of change is so strong that you end up knocked down by the wall of immutability that crosses you. You try to get back up, but efforts never seem to be enough. You have changed yourself, you have changed your life but it was all for naught. You invariably end up getting tangled up in the same dynamics, you can’t step out of the loop, you just succumb to the ways of the past. You start wondering if it’s worth it, if it wouldn’t be better to just leave it alone, face today’s reality and accept it as the best you can ever get and be content. Because really there is no way your life is ever going to be better and you will never be able to steer away from this routine. No matter how much you want it, you are who you are and change is a chimera. Then you get angry, because you have spent all your damn life trying to just be content with what you have and not fighting for what you want and you’re so damn tired of wasting time. Truth is, you don’t even know how to fight and you will never know why all the battles you lost were lost. You are trying as hard as you can but it is never enough, you feel in chains, and in the end it seems like nothing at all.

It doesn’t matter how good change is if you can’t apply it to that one variable that matters most. It is always the most important thing that’s missing and the sole idea of having to put up with all future defeats makes you want to cry and forget. Trying and failing is acceptable but seeing no result whatever the effort is just a bad joke.  

You know how I kept saying I had to check out the arena on a Wednesday night? Turns out it was spot on. But I never did. It seems I just can’t get anything right lately. Or maybe I did.

October was bad. November is worse. Any thoughts on December?

Advertisements