Anxiety is a bitch. I hoped so much this wouldn’t happen again. I had a sense it would, especially after the last few days, but I just hoped… it’s the last thing I need. It’s understandable, it’s normal, but it only adds stress where there’s no room for more. I guess life looks like the chart of a wave, it has its ups and downs and when the rhythm changes, it is to be expected that it’s going to take some major plunges after a rise. It’s just all the more confusing. It’s already hard enough to deal with all this uncertainty, with the doubts of separation, the pressure of a new relationship to develop, the adjustments to change, you could really do without the need to cry 24/7 and the loss of control. I suppose, knowing it can happen and accepting it for what it is can make it easier to deal with, but it feels like such a wrong timing.

I don’t need my subconscious to scream in my ears that there is a problem, I can ear it loud and clear, I don’t need the subliminal message of fear, I am already terrified. May it be just a wake up call to consider I’m making a mistake? That’s what I was trying to find out all along. It was easier in the “up” part of change. I felt just so confident and strong, as I had never been before. Maybe too much, I was almost scared, but it gave me all I needed to see things clearly and consider my options without fear. In the “down” part, I’m afraid I won’t be lucid enough to do exactly that.

I know so well that this crisis could be an opportunity but the fact that husband sees it too, that he too says “better now than in 10 years” puts me under pressure. I understand, I agree but it puts a sort of rush into it. Other people in other relationships experience these phases too but most of the time they tend to settle things and try to work it out. Sometimes, I suppose it can work out, but often history repeats itself and it just comes around again. Other times they only pretend to fix it because acting upon it accordingly is too hard, too uncomfortable, too scary. We both reckon it is the wrong way to approach it, but this condition is not easy.

The only thing I can do to ease the anxiety right now is thinking there is no rush, that I can take all the time I want to get to the end of it and really understand, but the truth is, it’s a deformying mirror. Unbalance can make you want stability so much, you are ready to second guess all of your choices and come to terms with your convictions. If this state lingers how will I ever be sure to make the right choice because I want it instead of because it’s what I need? I know it can happen, I realise it’s already happening and thinking I need to avoid it only puts more stress on me. It’s a bloody vicious circle.

These are the situations where you hate what you become, because your need tramps your reason and you end up being dragged towards the same people you are trying to leave behind and outgrow. It happened 11 years ago with my parents and it’s happening now with him. Because after all they are the only people you can share something this “shameful” with. I guess I am lucky that I am still in therapy and I am not so reluctant at the idea of getting help from chemistry right now, since I really need all the help I can get.

Want and Need. I wonder if there is really so much difference. It’s exactly what I wanted to break free from. I wanted to be free to decide what I want instead of falling prey of need. Now the boundary looks much blurrier. When you want something, you always need it up to a certain point, so I guess the two coincide. What I really want to leave behind is the need that I don’t understand, I guess, the need that is driven by the subconscious, not by want alone. After all, I guess it’s just the control freak that is in me that wants to eliminate this aspect. Maybe just understanding the real reason why I want or need something may help though.

While speaking to Shalma the other day I noticed how divided she is, between want and need. She perfectly knows what she wants and what she needs, she knows the two do not correspond and in the end, so far she has chosen need. I’m not judging, I’m not saying it’s wrong or weak, it’s ok as long as you are still deciding I guess and she is still working on that. I just don’t think it’s the right way to be happy, not when you’re still young, when you still have dreams. I understand very well the value of stability and certainty, I appreciate it and I think it’s a wonderful way to fare, when you’re ready, but it shouldn’t be a way to hide yourself. It should be a goal.

This is the part I appreciated the most about the relationship with my husband, how secure, calm and protected I felt with him. It’s wonderful, because it gives you so much strength to cope with anything the world may throw at you, and it did help me a lot. I just wonder how much of that need for certainty and calm was driven by fear of the rest of the world outside. I remember, way before this reshuffle, how I used to think that he was the only person with whom love didn’t hurt, and I loved that. But given where my heart is right now, as adult, self-loving and reasonable as it sounded, I wonder if something was missing. When love hurts too much it’s dysfunctional, love should be good not bad, but when it never hurts maybe it’s just too shallow.

Now I need love to feel deep and strong, I need it to touch my heart and soul.

I also remember how I was tired and hurt by all of the other relationships I had ever had, where I always ended up hurt; I didn’t want to go back to that pain again and I thought that I would never find calm again in the arms of somebody else anyway. I used to look at the whole dating thing as a curse. It’s true it was a curse for me, but it was so bad because there were needs I tried to fulfil with any guy out there that had nothing to do with dating. Realising this now is what pushes me towards trying again. I may not be ready yet, just because I see something is flawed doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. But it’s a big step towards the right path at least.

I think I know I am not that ready looking at how this thing with coach is evolving. I mix up with love and infatuation a whole set of different emotions that have scarcely anything to do with it. I have always done that and I still do, only now, even though I still can’t protect myself from it, I see it clearly and separate the two. It happened to me Monday night and yesterday as well. The triggering event was basically just the impression that he wasn’t really interested in me, but the reason why I suffered had nothing (or very little) to do with that. It had to do with defeat, with insecurity and self-deprecation. I don’t think I have ever seen this distinction so clearly before, and I understand how I have always perceived these kinds of feeling as loss of love more that what they are.

That is why I have always suffered so much for love. In reality, it has never been about love, if not for love of myself – and lack thereof. I suppose I haven’t been able to work on this aspect in therapy because it has never been there before. With my husband present and stable in my life, it’s been years ever since I felt like this and it just never came up. In some way, I guess I should be happy it did, so I can finally address this too, and I guess my therapist would pat my shoulder and say I should be proud of myself for actually understanding this alone. Well, I am proud of myself anyway. I guess I am opening up like a corolla in the morning sun, to others as well as to myself. I feel like I am learning to navigate myself, as difficult as it may ever be sailing these seas. And this need/want for deeper love is just me issuing visas to anyone who may like to venture in those open waters.

“Have a heart and try me, ’cause without love I won’t survive” B.Boyd
I had a sense I picked the wrong track for my programme…

So anxiety is back, my dear old companion. It comes and goes, as always, at times it looks like I can partly control it, as if I could talk myself out of it leaning on that tiny confidence I had just found under all the messy stuff. At times, talking to myself and looking in is enough to keep it at bay, at times letting it flow and accepting it, listening to what it has to say and answering back may be a better strategy. And it’s scary because it will also make everything much more difficult at the arena as well. And now “camp” evokes the idea of “concentration” more than “fun”. Going away for two days with all the what-do-I-do/what-will-he-do delirium is literally delirious. I wish I knew who’s coming, to count my alliances and blessings. Who knows, maybe some other interesting guy is going to be there… Or maybe the gay percentage is just doomed to increase.

Are gays just great for girls or what? They compliment you all the time, they laugh at your jokes, they call you dear, they invite you to the very special private lessons on Wednesays with coach… Lovely!

No, seriously, I guess I should bring my PC at camp. I am not going to have that much time to think about anything else but training, considering the schedule, which is very good, but there is going to be (almost) alone time and I’m afraid I am going to need to take A LOT out of my system, whether something happens or not. I really wish I had no expectations, but honestly how can I not? It would be so good to just go and know he is not going to be there. No, not exactly, I’ve been waiting for this a long time, but let’s just say I wish I had a similar weekend somewhere else, without him involved, just the rest of the people and I.
I suddenly know precisely what I would need: a weekend on the mountains with a snowboard club.