I’m tired. I’ve gone to bed way later than usual the whole week. I guess my life and my routine are really changed and, as good as that might be, I’m still having a hard time adjusting. I wonder how coach does it. He’s right when he says it’s the only way not to get bored, but my body is officially telling me to fuck off and get some sleep already.

I’m tired of waiting as well. I don’t see the point. Wait for the right moment, wait for your chance, wait for camp. I honestly wish I weren’t going right now, and I don’t even know if I’ll go to the social dinner. It’s one of those days and the thought of going out with the sisters tonight doesn’t offer any significant hope. It must be because my plan to drop at the arena was a gigantic flop, must be because I’m tired of waiting all week and ending up with nothing on every Monday night. I’m tired of checking my mail every 10 seconds, I’m tired of peeking at his online profiles to know what’s up, I’m tired of not making any progress.

I wish I could change this, I wish I could meet somebody else, but this wonderful capital of Opportunity seems to be populated only by women, old people and illegal immigrants. I’ve been dying to find someone to flirt with: on the tube, on the streets, in clubs… nothing. The other day I went to a Campus reunion with my husband (yes, I had to) and all I could think of was how many hot guys were there. Forgiving a little age difference, that would be the perfect battle field, it’s always been. But there you go again: even if I wanted to get engaged in Alumni activity and everything, there’s not a damn thing I could do without my husband knowing it.

I feel caged and I hate that, I feel I have 100-pounds-shackles on my fingers. And yet the idea of liberating myself scares the shit out of me, because I wonder what it is I am going to find out there. I am willing to see the good in people and it’s probably not even there, I am desperate to meet new men but the best ones are most definitely taken. How many eligible guys are really out there for me? I need the top of the top, I don’t settle for leftovers, they are already very few, how many haven’t been taken yet? My timing is all wrong, as per usual. I have conducted the crazy experiment to sign up for a dating site: man, the people there… no way. I don’t have a pack of single friends I can go out and hunt with, I don’t have other resources to meet people. This is all I have: work and training.

My friends have no friends to hook me up with and I couldn’t anyway unless I resolved to blatantly lie and say I am single. No one would want to go out with me otherwise, if not for some easy sex. And I fear the moment, if it will ever come to pass, when I’ll have to hear the proverbial “but” from coach as well. I may be wrong but I don’t think he’s gay, not really, and I do believe there’s a but somewhere: but you’re married, but I’m your coach, but I’m not really interested in dating anyone right now.

I wish I could sleep more and I wish I didn’t fall asleep thinking about camp every damn night. I wish I didn’t feel this way and I wish that feeling beautiful was a little more productive than this. I wish my life had some more action and a little less overthinking and I wish I were doing more and wishing less.