Sybil says a one night stand with coach is exactly what I need. I strongly opposed to this statement. Coming to think of it, giving the wrong reasons. I just argued that I am not into one-nighters, that I don’t really enjoy it and that since he is my coach it may complicate things at the arena. It’s not because I don’t like one night stands though. I can’t say I do, or rather, I can’t say I particularly enjoyed the ones I had and that is true, but I see the point damn well. Indeed, I think she is right up to a certain point. A proper one night stand would do me so much good. I wouldn’t know how to make it happen, that is with zero chances of being discovered, but I would really like that. First off, I am so much more aware of myself, my body and my sexuality compared to the last time I had one. Second, oh the joy of the chase! And third, no strings attached: if I realise I made a bloody mistake, no explanation is needed. Sex with feelings is indisputably better, but also more complicated. So yeah, if I could pick up some nice 25-year-old during a Campus party I’d be more than happy to explore.

But coach? No.

Because he’s the one who is supposed to bring me to my competitions? Yes… and no. People out there may not understand this, but he’s not some personal trainer at a gym, he’s much more. You can change a personal trainer, you can find a new gym, you don’t need to interact any further. I can’t do that. There’s no other course, no other training facility, no other coach. I am stuck there with him. If I had never met him, my sport would be a fundamental part of my life anyway, one I’m completely dedicated to, and to be honest, I don’t like the complications this has brought along. I would prefer to be free from these thoughts when I train. So I wouldn’t want to taint this with random sex, I’m already on thin ice, I don’t need any other mess.

That was the yes part and then there is the no part. All of the above makes sense only because I care about him more than I tend to admit. I wouldn’t have a one night stand with him – even though the Seven know I would want nothing more than to have sex with him – because I like him too much. It’s risky, I may get hurt. Some people you like, some other you are interested in, but simple sex would be an ok outcome too. In this case, not really. My fault probably, for letting it go this far, but I officially have a crush, you don’t do that with your crush. If nothing else, because you might want to do it again and they may not, since you gave them the wrong idea. Would I have wanted Andrew to be my first time? With all my heart. Would I have had random sex with him? Not in a million years. I was half my current age, but that’s not the point. Whether I like it or not, there is too much at stake. The risk here is turning up at training every week and being ignored when I’m even more head over feet for the guy. No, not gonna happen. And in the remote case something may happen at camp, I’m going to have to fight the urge, because I know too damn well how much I would like to give in.

Secondly, I’m actually asking myself to what extent it is true that it’s only physical. I don’t know much about him, but in the end I do know him some. I have spent two nights a week with him for the past two months so I have read him in some ways. Just an instance: I have lost the best part of my heart desperately in love with Andrew back in high school and he never even spoke to me. Like really, EVER. Now, that guy I really didn’t know, plus I was constantly ignored by him, maybe with no malice, but the result was the same. Coach is nice to me, most probably with no malice either, as he is nice to everybody, but that is a part of him I know and see every day. He is nice to me, he jokes with me, he teaches me and wants me to learn. That’s his job, true, but one he probably doesn’t need but wants to do, one he enjoys. That for instance is miles more than I’ve ever known about Andrew. So yeah, the physical part predominates and my very own physical response is proof enough of that, but it’s not all. Truth is I already like him for something more than his ass – as perfect as it is. Getting to know him better is… if not redundant, just a confirmation.

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