Alpha, Omega and everyone in between

As the day of the camp gets nearer, all of my energy is fading away. I feel so damn tired. I believe physical weariness is partly responsible, but it’s my brain that needs a holiday more than my body. I wish I had a switch, a full blown switchboard, where every thought can be turned on and off as I see fit. I haven’t learnt to do this yet, being able to focus on anything else when there is a precise thought running around in loops in my head. When I was younger I couldn’t study, now I can’t work, while all I would need for my sanity’s sake would be to just let go, not think about it and concentrate on something else, the more practical the better. I just can’t shut it out instead, it keeps haunting me, it feeds on my energy and my tenacity, I succumb to it. Unless I learn how to accomplish this, it will start pushing me away from anything good still left.

I am starting to be weary of training as well. It used to be my refuge, the one sacred ground where I could free my mind from thought and let my muscles dominate time. While this is still true up to a certain point for any time I go practicing alone, I can’t stand training anymore. It just became so heavy, so massive, it’s not about the sport anymore. Concentration is key and a thousand voices keep racing in my head while I try to do things. I can’t do it with all of this noise, worrying about the way others see me, worrying about other eyes on him, worrying about his eyes on me, worrying about my disability to concentrate in order to succeed. I am going to be there on Friday to the social dinner and I am going to camp, but right now, I wish I didn’t. I just find it so useless. The day I called him, it must have been the weather, the talk I had with my husband, the fact that everything seemed ridiculously pointless, but I had the absolute certainty while talking to him that I just invented everything in my own head. There was nothing there, nothing at all. When I got home from training last night I couldn’t bear the idea of being exactly in the same spot in a week with nothing left to hope for. That is how it’s going to pan out, nothing happening, not a hint and a whole lot of time, energy and money down the drain. The top of the irony would actually be if he hooked up with someone else while at camp. I realised this just yesterday, never thought of it before. And again I heard the voice of the 17-year-old me saying “did you seriously think someone like him may like someone like you, given a choice?”.

There is just no way out of this, it doesn’t matter how much time I wasted ever since I became a teenager, this part of me will never change. I will always want the guy much more than I reasonably should, I will always be the one battered and left behind with no boyfriend and a broken heart, the one with the systematic bad luck in love. Grabbing the guy I want will never be my thing, no matter how much Cosmopolitan I read, how much make up I use, how high my heels and how short my skirts are. The only time this ever happened was at Campus, with K. I wanted him before he had even started looking at me and I felt like I had won him over in the end. I may have fallen for other people, but it was always in response to their approach or just a casual encounter. It may be absolutely futile to reason about who started what, if we got together in the end, but it matters to me. I need it not to be an exception. Maybe this does have to do with my confidence more than I care to admit, but so be it. I just need to prove my theory through a practical experiment, theory is not enough.

These are the moments I fear, because I feel the lure of staying exactly where I am, changing nothing and swallowing all as is. I repel at the idea of staying with my husband because of this, because of desperation, distrust and lack of drive. Of course it would be the most convenient way out, but it feels so wrong. It feels like the reason we got together in the first place.

While listening to Muse yesterday I found out that at the end of the CD three additional tracks had been burnt. It was a gift from Second Fred. One of them was “You make me feel brand new” from Simply Red. I remember we talked about this one song one night, I just didn’t recall it was in this CD or never really noticed. it reminded me of him at first, of how nice he always was with me, although he had never been in love with me. But then I just thought of Mick’s words, how beautiful they are and how I am supposed to feel that way about my husband but I just don’t. I can’t. I feel like a monster when I think of all the feelings I have lost, I wonder if getting them back would be good or bad.Would it help me get back on track or would it just push me to guilt?

One question lingers in my head: why do I want to start anew with somebody else instead of transforming the relationship I have had for the past 6 years? I still can’t find a proper answer. I feel the need to break free and I don’t know why, I don’t know why I feel so insulated from the past, why it feels like a gap in history. I can’t understand if it is a step forward or backward. Was I neglecting my past while I was with him or am I reconnecting to the past now to make sense of the part of my life I shared with him? I can’t feel the good of it anymore. I remember it as if through a photograph, not being there, only seeing it from the outside. Somehow I don’t want to reconnect with that part of my life, but I don’t see the reason why. I think I may be afraid of losing what I just gained, more confidence, albeit intermittent, femininity, optimism, carelessness, trust in others.

I hurt when I hear him say he doesn’t want to talk about this with anyone, that he doesn’t really have friends, because it’s like listening to the old me. He probably added to my basic distrust of people, nourished it instead of helping me overcome it, and we just shut the world outside, thinking that we were enough for each other. I don’t believe in this anymore. I am trying to abandon my constant demand for perfection, or maybe I have already left it behind and don’t even remember it (unless I’m training) that shows in every time I mess up and don’t get mad or frustrated over it. He has always been the one I had to hide my imperfection from. This may be a big influence from the circumstances, but I feel like he demands perfection but never teaches anything.When he does, it’s just to show the world how good he is compared to them.

I was reading another stupid forum about marital problems and someone raised the problem of alpha and beta males. I had the impression, and  wrongly told him so, that he needed to grow a pair, since he always looks subdued and puppyish. So I started thinking maybe I needed more of an Alpha male. I am actually starting to believe the exact opposite. He is dedicated to the job, thinks he is better than the vast majority of the world’s population, can’t stand being told what to do, never talks about himself and his emotions. He may be subdued with me, which by the way I can’t stand lately, but other than that I don’t see much beta. Maybe I need only an Omega man: someone who is himself and creates the perfect equilibrium between different qualities that make him unique and perfect for me.