There are days when the pain accumulates. You watch a movie with a happy ending of love and tranquillity, you feel alienated from the world, you think you are the only cause of all of your problems, because you fell for a guy for no reason and abandoned your loving husband, who one more time tried to connect to you, even if in the wrong way, and you refused, you spend a day seeing your parents fight as usual and being devoured by their paranoia and psychosis, one by one all of your friends give up on your plans, you are tired, mentally and physically, but you can’t seem to get the sleep you need, you keep torturing yourself fantasising about the other guy like a 12-year-old, you think of everything you lost and how little you have gained and how hard it is to be happy just for that tiny crumble of hope. You wish it all could simply cease to exist, but when you wake up the next day, it’s back to square one, and every day becomes harder and harder to bear. Then you start wondering when you’re going to blow up and how it’s going to look like.Being institutionalised doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

Loss and defeat. This is all that remains. You want someone so much, your want becomes need. Your needs keep being unfulfilled long enough, they become pain and deprivation. No wonder I resorted to a painless love, I wonder how I could endure this for nearly all my life.

All my life I have desperately wanted people who weren’t there, I have passionately needed their touch and never had a glimpse of it. I don’t know why I always end up wanting the guy so much, it looks like everybody out there is perfectly in control of their emotions, they can flip a switch and get over people, pretend they don’t exist and move on. Moving on for me is unrealistic. I understand how I am not supposed to see them anymore, accept that nothing is ever going to happen, try to spend as much time as possible with other people and doing things that distract me and possibly find somebody else I like. That could have been worth knowing before, for any other desperate crush of my life, but right now everything looks hard if not impossible. Understanding there’s no way it’s going to happen would be easier if he said so, but it’s not going to happen. Finding somebody else: yeah right, where? How? Doing other stuff: no time. Not seeing him: I’m seriously thinking about it but it makes me so damn angry to give up what used to be my dream – and turned into a nightmare. Spending time with my friends… they are great, but rarely have time for me, stand me up way too often and I always end up being alone and miserable.

My marriage is on the brink of perdition, if it’s not entirely lost already, but I am starting to reconsider the whole situation. When I realised I wanted something else, I was sure that the very same basis on which I had developed my relationship with my husband was wrong. I thought I did it to feel safe and sheltered from all the hurt I had to endure in life and feeling painless and cherished was what I needed to heal. Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn’t enough. I needed the kind of love that can rip your heart out but also make you touch the sky and settling for something in the middle just wasn’t the way. Now I am back in all that ocean of pain and I feel like I am not healed at all but relapsing, and the whole idea of settlement becomes so much more appealing again. I don’t know anymore if I was right in leaving the pain behind and looking for serenity or if I was right in saying I needed more.

What I see around me are people my age settling down, starting families, having children. I have had a hard time deciding if I wanted to marry him, because I never wanted kids and the whole idea of family is something bad more than good in my view. I envy people who want kids, I guess in a way they earn a lot by just giving and caring for their children and need less in life. I need so many things for myself still, and keep feeling so unbalanced at times, I associate the idea of children with constant noise and pain in the ass. It’s not that I don’t want to settle down, I guess it kind of scares me now. I had made my decision, the day you get married for love and no other reason, it’s the day you say “if my life were exactly like this for the rest of my days I would be satisfied”. Maybe I was naive, I had never thought it could end so badly, so soon and all of a sudden. I am trying to talk and listen to myself as much as I can, but some things are difficult to understand and I still can’t wager how much of this mess was created by coach and how much would have been there anyway. I see things I don’t like anymore in my marriage, I know I wish with all my heart I felt another way about him. I see negative sides all over and don’t even know if, let alone how, I may ever change them. Sure it would be much easier to get back what I had with him, but without feeling love now, is it realistic? Is it possible or once it has been torn it can never be mended again? Maybe I would have been a little less of a fundamentalist about things if I had thought I had no other way out, or maybe it helped me somehow seeing things in a more detached way. I guess I’ll never know.

This became very clear the other day while I was considering my toothbrush. I used to use any toothbrush I could find until my dentist several years ago told me to try a very soft one, as I had sensitive gums, and so I did. Then years later another dentist told me I was supposed to use a harder one, as the soft one was too soft. So I started trying harder ones but each one I tried just ended up making my gums bleed and I just wanted to go back to the soft one. So what am I supposed to do, use the soft one so I don’t bleed or keep looking for something in between that may be just perfect or may just as well not exist? And while I keep looking will I continue bleeding the whole time? Fact is, with toothbrushes you can always go back to the soft one, it’s always going to be there, but I can’t assume my husband will always be there for me, I hope he won’t, I’d need to let him go because he deserves better. And I can have no guarantee that I could find another soft toothbrush after him.

In all that, accepting that pain is caused by much more than refusal from my crush may be central, but it’s not helping me one bit right now. It’s scaring me instead. Where I might hope that since I find myself more beautiful I can attract more guys, including any possible future crush, knowing that this pain will be with each one of them because it’s mine it’s just scary, especially in a situation where I feel so broken, I scarcely have the courage to face it all alone. I need physical comfort so much right now it’s killing me and I don’t know how long I am going to be able to cope with it instead of running to the only arms I know are open for me right now. I hate it, I hate myself for even just thinking about it, but it’s becoming too much. It all started out with such a positive rush, I felt great. Feeling like that I would be much surer about my path and my choices, but like this? Like this, I don’t think anybody could even like me. When I feel so desperate, hopeless and frustrated I feel like a broken toy people don’t want to play with. Flirting, playing with guys, dating guys it only works as long as you are at your best, or you are very good at hiding and repressing the blues. Not only I can’t do it, I don’t think I want to. I hate faking it, I can’t fake it and I realise would hate myself for it as well. I would love to let myself go in coach’s arms and just cry like there’s no tomorrow. Maybe guys like to be protective of girls but there is only so much damsel-in-distress they can take, then they justifiably run. I wish there was a blissful blue pill that could make all of this go away. I wish there was also a magic yellow pill that could turn back time, three months, one year, six years I don’t know when, but some of my latest life I’d be glad to do without.

I feel like I have lost everything. I have lost love and that’s painful enough, I have lost hope of changing, I have lost the love for my sport, I am left with nothing I can hold on to. I just feel so alone. Marriage may be about being together through good or bad weather but I can’t help feeling like I am exploiting him. It feels like that’s what I’ve been doing all along, keeping it up is cruel and selfish and indeed pointless.

Maybe it all was to be expected. I’ve always braced myself for bad things to come, I always expected things to go badly because I wanted to avoid some of the hurt of disappointment. I don’t think it ever really worked, either because I was pretending pessimism while I still hoped or because trying to convince myself that it would go wrong hurt me more than the disappointment itself. In my positive outbreak, I was convinced I wanted to abandon this system, I wanted to throw myself body and soul into things regardless of the pain it could bring, but in the end here I am. Hurting, anyway, feeling defeated, hopeless and pessimistic. I should break out of this loop, but I feel like it engulfed me. Maybe the pill I need is neither blue, red or yellow but it only needs a prescription. I hate the idea of going to camp feeling like this, maybe it will go away because seeing him will bring more excitement than spending a whole day dodging bullets from my parents and not getting to spend time with neither my friends nor coach as I had planned yesterday.

I wonder if there is a middle in things, I wish I knew what it takes for me to be happy, I wish I knew what is the best course of my actions to succeed in being free from self-induced pain. More therapy, more love, less love, more freedom, more attachment? I read a few of the questions you’re advised to ask yourself before considering a divorce. One of them was “Can you cope with loneliness?”. If you say yes, great, kudos. But if you say no, what is it you are expected to do? Stay with your spouse forever just because you’re scared, all the while allowing yourself to prevent him and yourself from having a meaningful relationship? I am torn between the two, I admit it, and I know just so many other people who decided exactly on that. But it makes me feel even worse.

It would be easier if we weren’t married perhaps, as we wouldn’t be forced to act on the promises we made. But cowardly I see that at least this excuse buys me time to ponder.