Intense. It’s the only way I could describe the weekend. Unusual in the adjective I would use to define how I feel today.

It feels as if something had stopped racing, as if the dust making water cloudy had finally settled on the floor. I feel calm and cleared. I can’t say that nothing happened in the past three days, because it feels like the whole world happened; nothing physical happened with him, but everything happened around us. Just as he said, it seems like we’ve been gone a month, not just a couple of days. I went through any feeling I could name within 60 hours: jalousy, curiosity, longing, restlessness, sadness, anger, inspiration, happyness, pride, hope, satisfaction, frustration, open-heartedness, tiredness, desperation, euphoria, complicity, protectiveness, pressure… analysing every single minute, I could continue the list forever. Maybe that’s why I ended up feeling like this: I felt every single possible emotion, all that’s left is calmness. My body is probably also so weary that no sparkle of energy is left for feeling anything more complex than this.

Like any bracket in time, going back to everyday life with the knowledge of the past makes you feel like you dreamt all of it, like none of it is true, as it is so vivid and perfect that it seems shaped by a mastermind. It may not remotely resemble my expectations, but it was exactly what I needed and what I wanted. It was proof of my change and proof that what I thought I needed when I perceived myself as different is indeed what gives me purpose right now. This is the way I want to lead my life from now on.

It hit me how Maddie was the only one who ever told me recently that I seem older than I am. It rarely happens, people who don’t know anything about me think I am 25, I look much younger than my age, so hearing someone say the exact opposite made me curious. She didn’t mean I have wrinkles of course, it was a comment on what I say and how I say it. And I understand, it’s a direct consequence of my intention to bond more with people, to let the hummingbird through. Seeing how people respond to this input is inspiring. Without this openness, no real connection is possible. This connection is what I am looking for, it’s my nectar. This openness, is the bill I need to get to the inside of flowers.

I still don’t like some people, for one or more reasons, and I shield what I am around them. I still can’t control myself to act always in my best behaviour, but I guess that’s human and saying sorry is enough to mend it most of the times. I believe in my senses and my intuition much more than I used to, because I keep receiving positive feedback that what I sense is true. I dropped the armour and I feel featherlight. I am made of ups and downs again, instead of a flat line and I accept both parts being thankful for every up and looking straight in the eyes the downs.

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