I feel a little lost. I don’t have a purpose anymore, well of course I do, many in fact, but this one purpose of the hunt is lost. I swing in the wind waiting for an unexpected turn of events. He is there. I see him, I know him. Much more now than I used to, although I can’t claim to be happy about my discoveries. There’s no strategy to plan, no chance to grasp, no investigating on convoluted meanings and double-entendres. My only dogma now is stay away. The urge is gone, the hope is gone, but he’s still there, so am I and I still need to understand how I should handle this, or how I am indeed going to. He is no uglier, no less charming, no less present than he used to be, so how am I going to deal with his presence? Will he fade away eventually, will he be a constant reminder of this time, will we become just friends?

I feel under scrutiny in Amber’s eyes. I am not behaving as I used to, as my plans have changed but is this enough not to be spotted? Does she already know, did she spill everything on purpose to set boundaries? All I really want to do right now is concentrate on my upcoming competitions, there is still so much work to do, but the past can’t be erased so easily. I may have changed perspective, but things that were said and thought will still linger, the need to have answers may have softened but the empty space after the questions hasn’t been filled yet and it will make me stumble again.

Some hope, some dream is still in a corner of my mind, as aware as I am that this is not what I want, let alone what I need, if a miracle came along… But there can be no miracle without risk and I am so conscious of the greatness of the risk that I can’t help running away. I don’t want to end up like her, one year after, still in tears. I am not sure I have weapons to protect myself from that right now, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Of course this may happen with anybody else out there, but given the chance to know your enemy beforehand, one may decide to hold off from the battle. As full of sadness and bitter as it might be to give up on something that may be much more.

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