Regressing. That’s what is happening to me. If I ever felt like a 17-year-old in front of coach, now I feel like a 14-year-old in front of my screen, reading messages on the infamous online dating site and giggling like a little girl. I don’t want to think about the future right now, I prefer not to know whether I will actually get out there and meet the guys I chat with. Right now, that’s all there is, a chat. But at the second message of one of my “faves”, I did subscribe, it’s just 30 quid after all. And it makes me laugh like nothing else right now. So sue me. I’ll just need to intercept the credit card receipt before somebody else does. I still have plausible deniability, but I’d prefer to avoid the talk.

Plus, yesterday night I realised again how much I need a distraction. These private lessons are killing me. I am really trying my best, but sometimes I stray. Amber talks about him all the time, Maddie talks about him all the time, it looks like I am the only one still in some sort of control. But when I look in his eyes. I can concentrate on training, I try and succeed most of the time, although I get really upset every time he touches me, but there are split seconds when my ears shut down, my brain stops elaborating the words he utters and I just lose myself in his eyes. I wonder if he notices. I hope not. Awkward.

To cap it all, tonight I had the most delighting dream. I dreamt of Marcel. I don’t remember much, but the fact that we kissed, we held hands and I thought “wow, he wanted to do this even if he knows I’m still married”. It was so cute. He was the first real-world guy who stirred something in me even before all this mess started. But I was a good wife back then and just kept everything tightly under control. I remember being thunderstruck the first time I ever saw him at the arena (yeah, guess what!) but he was in another course so I didn’t have a chance to talk to him. The following year, I joined that same course but he had disappeared. Still I heard the others talking about a Marcel I had never seen. When he came back from France, he did go out with us once and there he was. I remember feeling funny talking to him about my upcoming wedding at Alex’s wedding, my husband wasn’t there and he was alone too. I felt like I wanted to apologise for it. We talked a lot, mostly about his academic career; he is the only one in the group at my level in that sense, I feel like we’re equal some how. And I would love to go out with him, but it’s not really up for discussion now. No one in the group knows about my current marital situation, they all know my husband and I am just not bold enough to ask him out. I did try to impose the hummingbird on him and flutter my eyelashes once though, it was fun. He’s shy, it’s fun to tease shy guys.

I have dreamt about other guys pretty often, in the past. It is happening now too, but it’s much more connected to the reality of things now, i.e. I dream of coach or other guys I know. Or maybe I’m just not that bothered anymore so I just don’t remember, while it used to dismay me before. So much so that even in my dreams, where I usually hooked up / kissed / had sex or any other unspecified romantic or sexual interaction with random guys, I stopped half way there to say “I can’t, I’m married!”.  My subconscious hasn’t quite grasped yet that when she needs to make me understand something, what I need is not a poke but rather a suckerpunch.