I got her worried and that is absolutely the last thing I expected. First I was bothered – fun killer! – then I started asking myself honestly if she has a point – eyes opener?

In this strange condition of mine, I realise that in the eyes of others, and sometimes my own too, I am very different from how I used to be and the description that would fit my state may be composed of not very nice adjectives such as selfish, irresponsible, unethical, immoral, childish, slutty, shallow, reckless… I could go on forever. That’s the outside. Inside, what I feel is positive, confident, happy, hilarious, curious, greedy, explosive. My question is: how much should personal satisfaction count compared to the ideal of person one is supposed to be?

I’ve always thought, I was a better person than most. I considered the mistakes people make stupid, controllable and immature and have often felt better with myself thinking I wouldn’t have done the same mistakes in their places. I used to be, for all intents and purposes, less human. I was so brain-centered I never let my emotional side drive, which is the one thing that makes you make mistakes. If you follow your reason, you do sensible things, say reasonable things, take responsible decisions. When you let your heart drive, you make stupid things, your decisions seem to have no sense in the world and the reaction you stir in others usually sounds like “are you crazy or something?”.

The point here is: can you live a fulfilling life letting your mind steer instead of your heart?

Based on my experience, you will definitely live longer, but not necessarily better. In fact, while you can always decide to put some more common sense in your life and start behaving like a “normal” and sensible person whenever you want, heart has an age – the older you get, the harder it’s going to be to let it do its course. The age of the heart is youth. Then, once you’ve handled your deal of stupidity, you get your head together and you grow up.

What happens when you realise a few years too late that you have positively missed out on stupidity? What do you do when you realise your head has been controlling your heart in the exact same years when the opposite was supposed to happen? How do you deal with a sensible life when all you want is chaos and uncertainty?

I am sure my way of dealing with this is off the beaten track. How could it be otherwise? I am experimenting, I have no idea what it is I am doing, whether it’s right or wrong, because it’s all new. To me and to my friends, who were smart or stupid enough to accept stupidity at the right time or banned it out forever and never looked back (so far). Am I doing the right thing? Probably not, most definitely not, but I’ve been trying to do the right thing all my life and the result is that I feel old inside. That is probably the foundation of my “old spinster complex”. Doing the wrong thing might be my only salvation right now.

I know, living like this is no recipe for a good life; this is the necessary rebound, the up-side after the down-side that precedes the actual balance. I am unbalanced, just as I was before, although I never realised that. I will find the balance again, with time. I have no idea of how long it’s going to take and time is all I feel I don’t have right now, so I get reckless. But I have fun doing it. This is not dangerous, not in the strictest sense of the word. Its long-term results may not be that pleasant, I may hurt a lot of people along the way, including myself. It’s not good, it’s not correct, it’s not righteous, it’s not honourable. It feels necessary. I am scared that if I don’t follow the need and do it, it may all die inside of me again.

Knowing all of this is, from some superior objective point of view, wrong, is it right of me to pursue it anyway?

I already feel like a monster, not because doing wrong things and hurting people is bad, but because knowing it’s bad and wrong doesn’t make me feel the slightest bit of guilt. Should I be worried to turn into a monster? Or I should – as I am right now – be happy that I have finally found my own way into emotional awareness and sail with the wind? Will I lose myself following this path or will I accept my mistakes instead of running from them because my heart told me it was the right thing to do? Is she only worried because she couldn’t live with the consequences if she were me or is she genuinely concerned for my well-being?

Sybil and Renée are not worried. My therapist is not worried. I am not worried. Are we all out of our minds?

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