The world may have not ended (yet) but I feel crushed all the same. This week is even harder than my agenda threatened it to be. An escalation of long days, long nights and short sleep hours. And way too much training.

I realised my resolutions have an expiration date. I resist for 90 minutes, after that I inevitably stray. I get started with the best intentions, my mind concentrates on training, I gain strength and tranquillity from other resources outside of the arena… then after a little more than an hour I start contemplating the wrong things. A glimpse of his ass, a smile, the shape of his neck. That’s when I reach the limits of my concentration. After that everything gets harder – if I were a man, the pun would be pure artwork.

Not only there is an expiration date, but also a recharging time. It’s like an oxygen tank: you only have so much operating time and after that you need to put new oxygen in or you’re not going to make it a second time around. Training 3 nights out of 4 is too much, especially if I need to manage social time as well. 

Too much even with the help of the wonderful world of online dating. Yesterday I spent the whole morning grinning and giggling, since one of my “dates” actually asked me out. I am not laughing my head off now that I realise what kind of mess that would be, but it helped a lot yesterday. However the effects faded by 8.00 pm and I found myself cursing at my stupidity – after 90 minutes stuck in traffic – for not having asked coach if he could give me a ride home so I didn’t have to drive there in rush-hour.

As battered as I was from excessive training and no recharge time, I found myself squeezed beside him in the back of a car in the middle of the effing nowhere with Mark, David and Maddie and right when I least expected it he popped the question: wanting to know about my relationship status – instert sound of a scratching head on a vynil here.

I pleaded the 5th, literally.

Since I had already used this excuse, my cornered brain couldn’t process any other smarter answer and went there as a back-up plan. It’s stupid, but Maddie knows the situation and backed me. Mark has no idea, but David knows all too well, given his awe for my wedding dress. Let’s just hope he took it as a nice way to say that’s none of your business. Harsh as that might be, it’s better than the alternative. And if asked, I can truthfully say that I honestly have no clear idea of what my status is. It’s not that I don’t want him to know, I would have told him one on one, but in front of everyone it was a little too much. I would have loved to see the shock in my face, because honest to God when he began the question I thought he was asking something entirely different and I even turned to look at him. Bam.

I am even more puzzled now because I wonder what it was then that made him back off, if not that. I may have come the conclusion that he is the type of guy who would be even happier to be with a married woman, as “they are willing to fuck but won’t be a pain in the ass” as my therapist put it. Still, the question mark at the back of my head is growing. And curiosity killed the little ball of fur.

It used to be anything I wished for, being able to talk to him about it, but now I run from it. He is way too judgemental to be a good listener and be supportive of situations. He would probably beat me down with some bitter remark and hit a nerve. I am still not so sure how much I have to trust other people’s impressions of him, since they are a little different than mine.

Amber says he never smiles. He does frown at times but I think he is always smiling when when I see him. On the other hand, she is the one always brooding and crying, I bet no one would smile and be nice around someone so negative. I am pretty sure pining is not the way to win back that guy.

Maddie complains that he has a way of shooting people’s expectations down. I understand what she means, but she takes it way too personally. She went from a guy she can’t stand at home to a guy she can’t stand at the arena, she keeps banging against his ways, because all she needs is winning the battle, and comes out of it even more irritated. She keeps seeking this behaviour in him, she instigates it, she looks for a fight. Seems to me the best way is not letting him get under your skin. I don’t understand if I don’t see these attitudes in him because I don’t know him enough or just because he acts differently with different people.

It doesn’t really matter though, because it’s pretty evident that it’s all an excuse to say he is nicer to me than to them and to avoid thinking he is an ass just because the others say he is. This kind of thinking is pointless, provided I am not supposed to pursue anything, it’s just a useless vent. Bad girl.

Bottom line is, I don’t understand why they do not try to control the situation a little. I probably don’t practice what I preach nearly enough, but at least I see him for what he is and I try not to ruin my life because of him. I am trying to find a way out. I may be lying to myself, I may not be successful and I may be trying too hard, I don’t know, but at least I try. They don’t and that bothers me and I would like to convince them to do it. I don’t know why I care, maybe just because I realise this is the right approach and would like them to try it, maybe just because I’m tired of listening to their complaints. After all, I am trying as best as I can to distract myself from it and hearing them talk about him all the time doesn’t do any good.

I was upset too yesterday when he asked me about my marital condition, I was upset when I had to feel him right next to me, I was upset when he kissed me goodnight too after Maddie. I still am upset or I wouldn’t be drowning in this flood of words, but I am trying to flush it out of my system, they linger. And I would like to wake them up to this wonderful secret that life is short and pining for someone, no matter how wonderful, is a waste of time. Any minute spent laughing and feeling good is a minute you steal from death and they just don’t see it. Grieving makes you stronger and wiser, pining only makes you miserable.