Everything I believed in is faltering. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Happy new year.

I visited an exhibition recently about sex and design objects; it was extremely exciting, in the strictest sense of the word. My husband kept buzzing around me all the time, when everything I would have wanted was to be chatted up by some stranger and have sex with them in a bathroom stall.

I keep thinking about coach. I thought a few days off training would do me good, whereas it’s far from gone. Maddie and her texts… she has no idea of the damage she makes.

Online dating is a ruse. No one ever answers, people I send my pictures to disappear.

I feel stuck. Can’t go on, can’t go back, can’t find a way out of anything. At times I wish I could disappear, go back to being invisible and liking it, go back to not needing anything from anybody. I need some breaking out and it’s not coming to me from any direction.

I spent all of my time and money on shopping during the holidays, buying sexy dresses and fancy heels, assuming a grandeur of soirees and dates that will probably never come. I need the hope. But when I look down to reality, there is just so little that vaguely resembles the life I’d like to lead right now.

I watched several movies, two of them were poignant: Eat, Pray, Love and Take This Waltz. The first looks like my dreams, per aspera ad astra, the second looks like my nightmares, “new things get old”.

It feels like all the creating power I had surrendered to left me all of a sudden and the only power that drives me now is the current I dragged myself in the middle of. I feel like I am not steering anymore, I am merely accepting the consequences of my previous actions.

Being in-between things probably looks like this. I feel part of the change has become me, can’t shake it off, but the Old is still clinging and drags me down. I feel like a mother giving birth, exhausted by labour and still very far from pushing it out. In trying to dig out the New, all I create around me is a castle of secrets and lies. There are so many things I need to conceal from so many people, it’s an unbelievable weight on my chest. Lies to the guys I chat up online, lies to my new friends, lies to my husband. It used to feel exciting, now it feels like a cage I can’t wait to break out from.

In my profound and all-consuming stupidity, I have even decided to try again with coach. I have come to the conclusion that what people say about him is not what I see in him, that trying to push away hasn’t worked one bit, and that maybe I need to be more transparent about my interest. It’s going to be an absolute and tormenting disaster, but I can’t let it go the way I tried before, I need to try something different. Getting to know him better hasn’t confirmed what others think about him, it has only made him more perfect.

I even dreamt of Amber. My Monday night idiocy loop became my Sunday night cosmic despair loop. I dreamt of meeting her someplace and she would ask me if I had being crying (which I did, as usual, in the comfort of my trustworthy car) and I had to deny and deny and deny because well yes I have been crying over the fact that I’d really like to be with the same guy you’re in love with, and you’re my friend, and that’s being a backstabbing bitch in my dictionary.

I desperately need the right person to tell me I am beautiful.

One thing I’d like to know: why does this always* happen? Why do I fall madly for people I know so little and can never get them out of my head? The * is because it actually hasn’t happened in years, last time being with Fabian back at Campus, and still that time all it took was spending a couple of minutes more with him and I was done. Before that … mmh… Nick, oh well more than 10 years ago. But it does happen at times and it makes me furious because I have no control over it. I thought hitting my 30’s would mean being in a no risk zone, but there I am. I had forgotten how painful it can be longing for someone’s kiss. I guess part of the problem is that I am convinced it might work. It was the same with Nick. I felt a connection lying there unexploited and it drove me mad. I see more than one connection now and the doubt that there was something there for him too doesn’t make it easier.

I really hope any sort of God is going to help those who help themselves.