Once upon a time, approximately 15 years ago, I was spending my afternoon with Faith and was venting about I don’t know what guy who didn’t even see me and I uttered one of the sentences that was to be one of my most famous quotes: it would be so simple if just for once the guy I like would like me back!

In time I realised that it’s really much more complicated when they do like you, as then you have to deal with their unpredictability in a much more direct way.

The interesting thing is how much this sentence has defined my life. It just keeps popping up in my head, even now, because it always so undeniably true. Not the “simple” part, the part where guys I like never like me back.

Am I the only one?

I still don’t get it. Is it me, them or everyone? I suppose I may have a tendency to dwell on people instead of letting them go – that could also be explained (see Supermarket post) by the fact that my “sea” was full of the same stale fish every day of my life. I may even venture out to say I may have (had) a tendency to like people who could be considered impossible.

True enough I have never excelled at letting them know I liked them, but I guess some of them wouldn’t have needed encouragement. Do I put them off? Am I severely worse looking than I have ever acknowledged? For the first time now I even feel attractive at times, but that hasn’t worked out.

Why am I always the one who never gets the guy? Can I really change that?

I’d like to know how the others do it. The world is full of people who need more than the fingers of one hand to count their relationships. I don’t. It’s always been one-time-things and holiday romances with me. I’m not saying this goes without pain, but I’d see as more functional a love life where you spend a few months with someone, break up, find somebody else after some time and date for a few months again. That cycle should repeat itself at least a couple of times a year, depending on the average length of the relationship, maybe with a couple of one night stands in between. That’s healthy.

If I count people I have dated more than twice, I get the following exorbitant figures: 4 in middle/high school (8 years), 3 during university (7 years) and that’s it, because the third is my current husband who I’ve been with for the past 6 years and a half. For the sake of the argument, the first 4 are a little borderline, too. First one was a holiday romance, just lasted more than one day. Second one, same thing, but we kept in touch after the holiday for a few months. Third one same thing. Just one of them I actually dated like a couple of times in my city but he wasn’t my boyfriend, we just made out.

Man, I just puzzled myself, I honestly thought it would look better. Oh my Gosh, why hasn’t anybody told me it was too early to marry?! Of course I wanted to settle down, of course I thought I couldn’t miss that chance. I feel like patting myself on a shoulder. Mind you, I haven’t turned down people who asked me out. I NEVER did, snatched every damn chance I got – and ended up snogging the worst of the worst…

Unbelievable. I just shocked myself realising that I had no boyfriend at all from the age of 17 to the age of 23. I keep asking myself if I’m forgetting someone, because this sounds off. I am racking my brain, but I can’t recall anybody else.

I remember people I liked, I remember people I kissed, but second dates…  none. What the hell is wrong with me? I am feeling sick.

***

30 minutes later, I pulled myself together and now I am ready to write again. I know of a lot of people who are with the same person ever since high school or something: Faith is one, Renée too, so I couldn’t ask them if it’s sane or worrying. Sybil has had four major boyfriends so far, in healthy distance from one another, but all of them were long term relationships and she already confessed the last one is the only one she proactively liked. My husband’s past for instance was pretty similar to mine, the difference is he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with someone, sex was more than enough for him. I need to talk to Maddie. I need some fresh perspective on this. And to Claire too. And to my therapist, and I’m going to do that tomorrow, thank Sa.

It can’t be a coincidence that the big gap was after First Fred. And it’s cute enough that I caught a break from it with Second Fred! I had never realised how much damage he did. I felt it, back then when he broke up with me, but I had never realised it so far. I had always thought that in the end it was a matter of bad luck. I’m too wise to believe that now. I think of the night I met F.Fred as the last night I skated too. Ironic. Maybe I finally caught up with my life and my wound.

I remember envying Esther when she told me of all “the mess” with the guys she liked, the mess being every little word, action or occurrence she had with the guys. She interacted with them, she got to know them, she became involved with them. I never did. When I did, maybe when I was a little older already, it hardly ever went in the right direction.

I need a second chance at all that, now that I’m healed, now that I believe I am worthy of being with others, even if not perfect, now that I am not afraid anymore of showing who I am. But will this be enough? Knowing all of this is what I lacked back then or there is something else? It would mean so much to me to pull it off with some of the guys in my “to do list” right now. It’s not to push my confidence, not entirely, it’s evidence of the fact that who I am today is enough to have the life I want. Maybe this time is really just bad luck, bad timing, but it would mean so much to me I just hope this could be granted to me.

Advertisements