“If you could spare some 15 minutes of your time, I’d like to talk to you about something. Given it’s nothing simple for me to discuss, I’d very much appreciate if you could let me get over with it with as few interruptions as possible, or I’m never going to get to the point. The points, rather. The last time I tried to have this conversation with someone, it didn’t end well; but it was a lifetime ago, where everyone was young and stupid and I hope this time it’s not going to be just as useless.

As you have come to know under awkward circumstances, I am too amongst the pool of desperate girls drooling on the ice during every lesson; what I probably haven’t been that clear on, is that the whole thing goes a tad beyond pure physical attraction for me, as of now. Because of this, I haven’t been just staring during the past few months, I have also studied and analysed him pretty deeply, gathering information from every possible source, from his interactions with me and with others as well as from everything you, Amber and everyone else have ever said about him.

Still, I am sorry to say, I haven’t been able to understand him fully, especially his angle. On the one hand, I have this very strong feeling, which is substantial and not just a hunch, that in many ways his brain works very much like mine. I am not saying this because the idea that your loved one is like you is fancy, I am as puzzled and frightened by it as I could ever be. But this gives me an insight you, Amber, Dave or Mark might never have, because I am that kind of person and I know how we think. Therefore, many of the things I see on him I can categorise as logical, they make sense and fit well together for a mind like mine. Some others of course don’t, as we are two separate individuals, not least of opposite sex. There is though always a little room for deception. Anything he says or does can be ascribed either as the truth, considering my type of reasoning, or as a bold-faced lie aimed just at one thing: fooling the girl.

I have given much thought to what Amber said when we were at camp. At first I had no doubt it could be true, I believed it at once. I wanted to, because it would have been a perfect excuse for me to let go, and somehow I had evidence that it could be true. You know him, better than I do, you know how cold he can be outside of his comfort zone of teacher, how he very rarely stretches outside the role of the professional, towards a more intimate and friendly behaviour. I am still very much astonished thinking of this once instance, where he made a very direct and explicit compliment to me that had absolutely no connection to teaching or skating whatsoever. And yet, he could just as swiftly start talking to some other girl at the end of the lesson and not even turn to me to say goodbye.

I’m not saying this because I want to brag about it. All I am trying to say is: be careful. I guess, this is one of the many reasons why I haven’t thrown myself at him and all the more because you still say you are not interested, you should filter every single word he utters to understand what he is after. It’s close to impossible, I realise that, because if it’s all a game, he is damn good at it. I know you weren’t born yesterday, but, and this is another point I would like to make, I don’t think your situation with him as stable and defined as you make it. You say you are not interested, yet you spent an entire hour the other day talking about him. You say you don’t like him, but you do wonder what you should wear in bed. You say he is just a friend, but he makes you nervous, you fight a lot and you’re sorry when you do.

I assume and hope you are not lying to me and I am really not asking you to assure me that you are indeed not interested, I am asking you to think about it and ask yourself if you are lying to yourself. I understand how it can be difficult to admit there is more than friendship for an infinite list of reasons: age difference, love life situations, implications on training, implications with the social life at the arena… I know, I’ve been there myself. I just want you to think about it very seriously. I am far from pushing you into his arms, if nothing else because there is no definitive certainty that he wants it too, but if you don’t promise me you will consider this very seriously, I’m afraid the two of us might have problems in the future. 

One thing I need to point out: I am ok with you liking him. Please, do not lie to me about it because you are scared to tell me. For one fundamental reason: if he likes you, there is nothing I can or would do about it. You could, and you should be free to do it. But if you keep telling me that you don’t care about him and that he is only a past-time activity, I am going to do something about it. I am going to keep pursuing this, regardless of the result. And if for some unexplainable reason it should start working, I wouldn’t want you turning on me for it. Right now, as hard and unpleasant it might be to admit it, I need a new friend much more than I need a guy I don’t even know that well.

And this is the core point of it all: this situation is a mess. It’s been hard for me to find a balance at training because I like him and this turn of events did not make it any easier. The one and only way to get out of this alive still being friends is being crystal clear and honest about every single detail. I don’t care much who and if he is going to be with, I am not and wouldn’t dare asking you to let go, all I care about is not being lied to. I prefer punches to backstabbing. I also expect you to demand the same from me, so as embarrassing as it could ever be, I am ready to answer any question and address any issue you may see fit to discuss.

I have lost a friend in the past for the same reason. We both liked the same guy, he liked her – that seems to be the constant –  and I was ok with it, it’s not like you can fight fate anyway. All I asked of her was to be honest with me, tell me if she liked him and if something would happen with him. She did none of that, but she sure as hell did him. She may not have been a great friend to begin with, still, if it can be avoided, I’d just like to point out I’m up for it.”

This is practice, I just pray I am going to have the guts to say all this to her face.

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