Strange days, hard days, scary days.

I am trying to keep afloat as best as I can, but I tend to drown, every day more so.

The separation is becoming official; he has basically found a new apartment and is close to signing the contract, he is getting the documents from the registry to file for separation, he is going home to his family to give the good news. Looks like he’s doing all the job. While I am left stuttering not knowing how to handle things, because it looks like yesterday we were talking hypotheses and now it’s all real.

It’s not that I don’t want it, because I still believe everything I thought before, that I do need to have other relationships and learn how I interact with others, I do believe our relationship is not fulfilling for me right now and I do believe I do not love him, not enough, not the way you are supposed to love a husband. He is a dear friend, someone I can rely upon, someone I shared beautiful years with, but I need a break.

At times, it’s easier to accept, when I’m with my friends and feel like I belong somewhere other than my marriage, the hope… it’s like the sky, it’s blue, it’s always blue, but at times, clouds make it look grey, dark and gloomy. At times, bad weather persists so long you forget the colour of the sky but once in a while the clouds part to reveal it once again. That’s what hope looks like: a tiny blue hole in a sea of grey.

I was at training yesterday and I felt good. I started feeling better, after two or three days of disaster, after therapy. The good thing was, regardless of the fear, the hurt and the tears, in the end what was left was the hope and the certainty of the positivity of searching for something I want. Then I went to get my car and I spent the time chatting with this guy – whose name was obviously Stephen – and at least I smiled about it. Then I got to the arena and found Mark already there, and Maddie who arrived shortly after, and he gave me this wonderful heads-up that a room in his apartment may be free within a few weeks and it’s really cheap. So I just thought I am really glad and lucky to have known this bunch of people, I may not be so close to them yet, but I’m planning on changing that soon.

And then I read the latest message from the other Stephen, who was also so gracious to show me his picture and he is nice, interesting and really cute! And 39, which is intriguing. That pretty much closed the deal and the night was just sunshine. I bet coach has never seen me that smiley before. I also kept eye-flirting with that blond hockey player who’s always there on Wednesdays. Maddie thinks he’s like 24, she is probably right, I couldn’t care less. Piercing blue eyes, perfect ass, only problem is he’s a bit of a dick, I mean… he’s a hockey player, what did you expect… Maddie also said he’s too much of a jerk for me, and that someone like coach would suit me better. Ain’t you sweet… It’s soooooo liberating to talk about coach with someone on the ice once in a while…

Some other times, understandably, the layer of clouds is so thick, you can’t even feel the sunshine beneath it all. It feels like falling in a pit without a single handhold to grip to get out of it. I only feel like crying, I see nothing but black, every problem seems too big to tackle, let alone overcome; I feel small, defenseless and uncertain. But each time I suck it up. I wonder, no I kill my soul wondering if I’m doing the right thing, the doubt stabs me a hundred times, but I never speak the words to go back. I’ll end up squashed under the weight of my own balls and this is what it’s going to feel like.