It’s amazing how quickly feelings can change. Only yesterday night I was smiling and giggling as I hadn’t been doing in a long time, now I’m frowning and my stomach feels squeezed like a lemon.

I realise, this is all mainly my fault. My fault for building way too big expectations, for believing I was ready when maybe I was still too weak, for imagining reality before it actually has a chance to unwind.

Still, it doesn’t feel any easier.

I let myself get attached before any circumstance may prove it reasonable and now I’m scared to death.

I have a date. Saturday, with Stephen. I was so damn excited about this… until along came the doubt. I don’t understand whether I’m overreacting or I’m right. I’ve been filled with unreasonable doubt during the weekend too. Nothing is off, not really, it’s just… at times, it sounds too good to be true. He didn’t say or do anything out of the ordinary, so I don’t understand if it’s just my cosmic pessimism trying to rain on my parade. What I’ve always thought is, I’m online dating and I’m a normal girl, probably above average compared to the others and I’m still there. So why can’t it be the same for some nice, interesting and cute guy out there?

The problem is, trusting someone you don’t know for a woman, for me, is hard enough without doubt. With doubt, it’s terrifying. At the back of your head, you always ask yourself “what if…”. The vast majority of online daters are losers, another good portion are married guys who pretend not to be married and some others may actually be ok. But you never know who you’re dealing with. Legends talk about psychos, sociopaths, pedos, serial killers… any little sign out of the ordinary makes you panick.

I still have no reason to believe there is anything bad, as in dangerous, but I guess I would just be terribly disappointed if it’s anything less than perfect. Not perfect, perfect is boring, but the way I expect it, the way I hope it will be. I shouldn’t have done that, but I have created an image in my mind of how he could be, which by the way may be for instance much more real than any projection of coach, and I like it, a lot. Having expectations is the worst thing you could ever do in online dating. It would be disappointing to meet up and realise that he doesn’t look nearly as cute as in the picture, but I guess I could get over it more easily.

I am left imagining things way worse than average and the bad thing is, I can’t even push to have an answer. What’s killing me is that I need to know before I officially decide to go through with this date, yet it seems like something he wouldn’t want to discuss per e-mail.

I wish he would call me already. I gave him my number Saturday, but I guess yesterday being out skiing wasn’t the greatest of chances.

I thought the problem about 3 years ago was possibly his separation, I’m not that sure anymore now. He seems such a nice guy, but I guess that’s not enough. If he is not real, if what he wrote me was only a scheme, the frightening thing is he would be so damn good at it. The fact that I thought the same exact thing about coach though, makes me believe it could all be a projection of my sick mind. Occam’s razor would say, it would be way easier to just be like that rather than saying exactly all the things I would appreciate. You can’t invent a language, you either know it or you don’t. A lot of other things you can learn on Wikipedia, writing smart things you can’t. Or maybe I am just much more predictable than I care to admit.

So I get carried away easily and get my hopes up way too soon. One may wonder whether it is wise or not, probably not, but the question here is rather: this is the way I am, and I’ve always been; should I change that or should I accept it and stop trying to fight it?

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