This is completely new territory for me. I admit I am biased by the problems of still having my husband around for another week or so, but it’s not just that. It’s because I haven’t done this in a very long time and even when I did, I didn’t really have a clue of what I was doing. I realise there is a sort of guideline you’re supposed to follow but I feel like I haven’t read the manual. So we met, it wasn’t easy, but I religiously followed all of the instructions and advice I found on the various sites. I even sent an SMS after the date. Now what?

Am I supposed to write him again? When? About what? I’d like to see him again, probably next week, but other than proposing that, should I get in contact with him? Should I wait for him to do it?

I am probably all the more uncertain, because I don’t really know what I want right now. In general and specifically. I mean, it would (maybe) be easier with Coach because I know so well I like him and I’d like a certain type of relationship with him. TS2 is all new. If I have to admit to having expectation regarding this week, I would have pinned them on TS3. Now everything is different.

Is online dating biased? I mean, all I know is that very few of the dates work, because well, it’s obvious, you can’t get along with everybody. But if and when it goes well, do people tend to have the feeling it’s going well because they were expecting less or is it genuine? This stinks of paranoia, I know, but I can’t help wondering.

He is cute. So cute. And talking to him comes easy. Ok, maybe not at first, but once the ice broke it was nice. Considering we had never really chatted per e-mail it came rather natural. Physically he reminds me of Second Fred. Slender, green eyes, nice mouth. It was basically the eyes. Irresistible.

I had a sort of hunch a couple of times that there was electricity. You know, when you look someone in the eyes and there is some magnetism there. I have stared countless times at Coach and while I have started melting more than once for that, I never felt anything coming from him. This time it was different. I was the one driven to lower the gaze and run. I got shivers.

If he had tried to kiss me, it would have been pretty strange, too much too soon, but I don’t think I would have pulled away.

I don’t think I have ever spent this much time analysing a date, more than thinking about the guy himself. But this is what I wanted so I guess I should try to understand anything that I can learn from it.

So far, what I’ve learnt is that I’m good with words even in uncommon or awkward situations. I let go, I talk, a lot. As far as TS2 is concerned I listen too. Of course there was no point in trying to listen to TS1, he just didn’t talk. I like hearing what thy have to say, listening to their reasons. Of course, everything gets much more interesting if you feel some sort of uneasiness at the bottom of your stomach.

It did seem I could open up a bit more. This may be just a sort of GUI syndrome: when you write stuff to people, you’re not looking them straight in the eyes, you don’t care about their reaction and you’re not worried about the impression you’re making. Talking to a stranger is somewhat similar. They don’t really have expectations, you don’t need to be scared about what they might think or tell anybody else, because your worlds do not intertwine. Even more, it could be the exact intention to impress them that makes you pull out some more private things. It would undoubtedly be very interesting to try to understand why it comes easier to me talking to a stranger, rather than a good friend, who is supposed to accept anything I say without judgement of sorts.

I wasn’t ready to talk much about separation, but that was mainly because I just didn’t want to compromise myself too much and because I believe it is early to talk about it. Not early because the separation is fresh, early because I only met TS2 for the first time one hour earlier. It’ll come, eventually, if we keep seeing each other, not now. More than that, letting the next guy understand my current motives is basic. Focus on “the next guy” not just anyone I go out with. But I suppose, when they have no idea what marriage is, they don’t understand what it means to go through a separation.

I still have no way of knowing if this easiness in conversation came from him being him or me being just willing to talk. I liked the fact that he understands, in the most basic of meanings, he is smart, hence he understands any possible angle. He even understands when I use words from my second language, which is so reassuring and natural. I liked the fact that he could overcome the initial freeze quite easily, but that could just be my anxiety from last time. I still don’t quite get why he resorts to online dating, he wouldn’t need it, so I suppose it’s basically a similar case to mine. It seems we really dug in a few topics because there are so many things we haven’t even touched. I guess that’s good, in perspective of a second date. I liked the fact that the flow seemed to be rather natural. I myself didn’t really bring up topics I wanted to address, I just let it go naturally where it was headed, he did ask me a couple of things changing subject, but I guess that’s normal, it wasn’t too soon or too late.

I wonder why some of the things I told him I have never been able to tell my husband, it was as easy as that, but it never came out my mouth in the same way. I wish I knew whether it’s my problem or his. Is it me starting to block out things once I have imprinted a certain image of myself on people or was it him intimidating me somehow with his rationality? Once I get to know someone better, will I still be able to talk silly?

I am not dealing very well with the possibility of keeping it cool. It’s like being in between things again. It’s easy for me and I’ve been there already to hang around a guy you just don’t give a damn about just because you have nothing or no one better to do. I understand being head over heels for a guy, with all the complications this may bring. But keeping it cool and actually being ok with it feels tickling like pins and needles. Maybe it’s just the fun in it. It feels like there’s something missing and you can’t wait to get it back. It’s like an eating curiosity about someone you just need to quench by finding out always more. It’s eagerness. But I do realise that it may even bring to discovering something you may not like or accept. And I guess that’s just the way it goes, it’s part of the game. I wonder if it’s just me feeling the thirst or it’s really how everyone plays.

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