That’s what he is: spot on. And it’s scary, and the problem is that I am already anxious about it. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, I was supposed to be entering my slutty phase, my spring break, as Renée puts it.

Or maybe not.

It’s easy to say, I shouldn’t be thinking about it that much, that I should be taking things as they come. Easier said than done, my mind is the greatest architect of all times, when it comes to castles in the sky. I wanted an alternative to Coach and I got it. But then I’m scared again.

With Coach it was easy, in the end. They say, dating in your 30’s is harder because you have much more baggage with you, you can’t let go of past experiences, you have your disillusions, your failures, your armour to protect you which has thickened even more over the years. To me, it was exactly the opposite. I felt just reborn, I had a brand new point of view, I felt on top of the world strong with my new beginning and fresh-out-of-the-oven optimism. I felt like a teenager. So I just went with it, I didn’t care to be hurt, I didn’t care to be rejected, it was just a try, and I enjoyed having a chance. Now I have already started lining up the bricks for a new the wall.

Because I have been rejected once already, I would very much prefer to avoid it for the second time around.

It’s very different with Kolya (after the second date, they are not merely test subjects anymore…), because as much as I like being with him, I don’t like him that way. If there was nobody else, if it was one of those desperate times where anyone would do – and that’s a very bad thing to say – there could be something. I did look at him that way very closely last time. He is cute, but he is not sexy in the least. He is the Past, he is the kind of guy who would have been great before: smart, rational, dedicated to his career, mature but still crazy enough to enjoy life and pull some stunts every now and then… been there, done that, he would be the best way to go on exactly in the same life style I had with my husband. Safe, good, but not good enough, not now. Now, I need change.

Now I need sex, I need emotions, I need to explore that irrational side of me I have kept dormant for so long. I need someone who can understand change, who can understand mistakes and the need to focus elsewhere rather than on the mind.

When the OD sites asked for the kind of man I wanted to find, I never really answered, I only ever thought about it without writing it for everyone to see; mainly because lists are useless, and secondly because it doesn’t matter if people can identify themselves with those attributes, since they usually don’t really know themselves nearly enough and because I need to see it for myself anyway. But if I had had the time and the willingness to point out how he should be, it would have sounded like this:

smart but not a smartass, rational but hot-blooded, guided by his guts with a little help of his mind, aware of what he wants as much as of his insecurity, keen on laughing as much as on crying, not scared by the demons of the human soul, able to talk and to listen.

I would like someone who could guide me towards growing the new side of me. I know I am the only one who can develop it but I’d like the help or just someone I can share it with. This process of finding my own way to deal with life is probably the single thing that defines me as a person more than anything else. It is the main reason why everything has come so hard to me, why my life always seemed much more complicated and out of hand compared to anyone else’s. I can’t think of being with anyone who can’t understand this at least up to a certain point. Not now. Maybe 5 years from now, the whole process will be deposited and integrated in myself so much I will simply take it for granted, not even acknowledging it anymore. Right now, it’s the core of my being.

Maybe, probably, these are qualities pertaining a much more important figure than a spring break guy, but I haven’t really decided what I want right now. I keep swinging from the hot barista to the man of my dreams in a matter of seconds. Maybe I should leave the decision to fortune, because I can find a hundred hot baristas but maybe just one in a million right guys. Maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about making a choice but just accepting what life brings. I just don’t care if I make a mistake when I believe in what I’m doing.

The general idea is that I shouldn’t be committing to a relationship right after the last one. I tend to agree, but if I feel someone can give me a lot, I am inclined to try and be with them anyway. I may be wrong and grow tired of the whole commitment thing in a few weeks, I’ll act upon it accordingly when I see fit. But as long as I know what I want or what I need and I decide to pursue it, I accept to stand corrected along the way, but I am going to do it anyway.

This is my problem with Kolya. I know so damn well I don’t believe in this and I hate pretending. Everybody tells me my priority is having something fun to do and being with people who make me feel good, but what if being true to myself and to whom I want to be is my priority right now?

I am the only one who knows what went on in my mind during this separation and I strongly believe it’s nothing anybody else has ever experienced, exactly because of my own personal way to deal with myself. So I don’t accept blindly what others tell me about how it’s going to unfold or what I’m supposed to do. I listen to every point of view but give nothing for granted. I want to make my own mistakes because some of them are not mistakes in  my mind, they are necessary transitions towards wisdom.

Of course, getting out of a relationship one should just have fun, have lots of meaningless sex, be slutty with right about anyone just for the sake of seducing strangers and all that. But what I lacked were feelings, what I missed the most was honest attraction to someone’s body and soul, what I realised for the first time is the existence of a positive side in every human being, what I understood is the kind of relationship I would want. I woke up so now I want to get up. If anything, I am sorry I MAY have met someone just right for this experiment just a little too early.

The first time I met him, I had a hunch, just and nothing more than a hunch. It was all guts. Now I have so much more evidence. Not everything was filled in yet, but a good portion is. What I knew the first time was just that talking came easy. I could say the same for Kolya, but not really. There was one fundamental difference: with Kolya, it was easy talking and laughing about things, past experiences, anecdotes, general things. It felt like talking to my oldest friend, which to me means having a good time and laughing away any current shit.

With him the easy part was getting deep, opening up, touching touchy subjects. It was a hunch then, it’s a certainty now. His journey has been similar to mine, change defined his life too, the conclusions or rather the current status that he has reached look very close to what I am aiming at. The means may be different, but the result is the same and that may make any exchange even more enriching. All this without considering the rest, which is not priority but it’s there.

I see the difference in this with Coach or Kolya. With Coach it was much more about giving. Maybe because he is younger, maybe because I saw in him the old me and wanted to teach him to “get better”, to blossom, probably as a means to give back what he is giving me teaching what he knows. I don’t know Kolya enough to know what he has to give, but I’m afraid that’s part of the problem.

I know he has something I want or rather, I know he has something to offer me that I would take very willingly, I just don’t know if I have anything to give him that he may be interested in. I’m afraid not to be enough, I’m afraid to be turned down. He is not perfect and I don’t think of him as the man of my life, just the man I’d need right now. I am transitioning so I don’t know how long I will need someone like him for, but right now he is spot on. And that makes it even harder to accept that I may not be what he needs now. I see a very high potential and the idea of giving it all up again, of yet another time not being enough is hard to take.

And then there is the chemistry. I can’t say I remember ever wanting to kiss someone so badly… unfortunately, as of now I have no way of knowing for sure if this is reciprocated or not. I have hunches, but it wouldn’t be the first time they turn out to be completely wrong. I am not used to dating, so everything looks confused and confusing to me. I am used to being extremely fast in these things, I don’t wait, I tend to throw myself at the guy as soon as I want to. Let’s not discuss whether it’s a good strategy or not, please, I’m just stating the facts here. So this time around, it’s not working like that. In my opinion, if nothing has happened by the second date, there’s something wrong. According to pretty much anybody else, it’s perfectly normal. I’m nervous anyway. Plus, spring coming up is not helping slowing down my hormones.

Call of duty to all inventors out there: when will you ever finally patent a mind switch that can turn off any unwanted thought?!

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