Here’s the thing about “the list” – the one containing all of the attributes of your ideal man: I may have gotten it all wrong.

Until a few months ago, but maybe even just last week, in case I were asked what my perfect partner should be like, I would have begun my answer with “he’s got to be smart and well-educated”.

I think I have my reasons for “smart”. Not that any girl would ever want her man to be stupid and dumb, but with my twisted and convoluted brain, if he’s not 100% he’s never going to get me.

As for “educated”, this is already a bit more biased. I can’t stand people who can’t get their spelling straight and in terms of online dating this can turn into an extremely wide cut out. Plus, in my society whoever doesn’t own a college degree broadly equals to a high school drop out.

Both criteria are perfectly respectable as such, my problems stem from two basic misconceptions:

1) I have always put these criteria at the very top of my list, which brought me to never even consider people who don’t fully meet the requirements.

2) The combination smart+educated has often lead me to nerds, control freaks and hyper-rational men.

I know the latter type rather well: it’s the kind of guy I met at Campus. Perfect GPA, career oriented, smart, nerdy, technological… Every person is unique, but when the matrix is so similar, there is only so much that can actually vary. Generalisations are evil but in my experience pure scientists, economists and engineers will always go just so far in terms of irrationality, instinct and impulse. I know, I married one of the worst.

I have always been extremely flexible on looks. I may have noticed tendencies and preferences over the years, but in reality I have always liked any kind of colour or shape. I look at a person in their entirety and decide from the overall impression whether I like them or not. I should be doing the same for all of the invisible aspects as well. Otherwise, it’s just like saying “he has brown eyes, it’s impossible for me to like him”.

All of this revolves around a very simple question: love is a matter of the heart, why should I focus on brains?

Don’t get me wrong, brains are sexy, especially if opposed to shallowness and vanity, but it often reflects too much in the relationship with women. I’d need more the philosopher type than the engineer type right now. Actually given previous experiences with philosophers, I may be very wrong about this, let’s just say super-educated men aren’t always the solution.

Just because I am super-educated, it doesn’t mean I need someone like me; in fact I may need the exact opposite, since all of this brain-focus has been all but helpful. This is also the reason why I was so attracted to Hector: he perfectly fit the definition of nerd but at the same time he had a clearly developed spiritual and emotional side.

It’s all about fine-tuning the two, but I should probably give much more space to heart right now than to brain, in the hope of learning how to shush my brain when needed and let other organs drive.

The question remains whether it is something that can be learnt at all.

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