Sometimes you end up counting only on yourself.

You know you can always rely on your parents for money but you can also rest assured they will keep asking the wrong questions about your life, just to quench their own curiosity, whenever you need it the least.

A night out with friends will always be the best cure for blues, but you will inevitably find yourself alone in your office at 9.30 am on Monday.

The people who move your soul and have the power to make you happy with one simple word will always disappear one second after you realise how much they mean to you.

Some days, you have a list of significant others and destiny’s pen keeps crossing out every item in it, until all is left is the Saxon genitive in the title: yourself.

When that yourself has a cold, PMS and hasn’t slept nearly enough – in months – things get tough. Plus, it’s cloudy, rainy and the heating got officially turned off, regardless of outside temperatures close to 10°C. And the Boss keeps his windows open as if it was Honolulu.

But it’s ok, it’s to be expected. It’s been a long while since my last down, considering it’s April 22nd, I’m in a state of bliss. Maybe it feels too much like winter today and when it’s cold I need to be warmed outside and inside.

My friend Stephen is a pro. He met this girl last summer in Iceland, she lives in another continent, but they’ve been together ever since. I congratulated him the other night. He’s the only person I know who believes in dreams so much to make it a way of life. We should all learn from him. Somehow he makes the magic happen. I’ve known him ever since high school and he’s always been like this. I should have learnt from him a long time ago. It’s not easy, but he is so not scared. Looking at him makes me believe Alex and I are possible. But then again, I am not Stephen and Alex is not Kelsey.

Managing all of these boys – just in my head, that is –  makes me feel alive, but it has wearied me out already. I need feelings right now, because it still feels like I have been forced into feelings by my head for so long, I’m just looking for some redemption. At the same time, I am somehow relieved to be free to give and take away as I please, instead of being locked into a relationship where you suddenly have obligations and responsibilities towards the other person’s feelings.

I am scared I have lost touch with my feelings. I am scared that they might disappear all of a sudden just as it happened last time, I am scared that they might not be true in the first place, I am scared not to be able to feel and love anymore – if I’ve ever been able to. But at the same time, I feel liberated by the fact that I am allowing myself to feel and dream as I please. Still, dreams scare me, because once you dream your dream you admit to yourself that making it come true is something you wish very badly and the idea that it may never come to pass is dreadful.

I feel stuck in between. I am happy to dream and be a feeling person more than I used to be, but at the same time I am so scared I wish I wouldn’t dream at all. I’m a dog on a leash. I am not caged and I can wander around to some extent but I am not really free to go anywhere either and I am just not gutsy enough to bite on the leash and go.

Maybe it was easier when it was all in my head, all contained in a bubble-like environment. All of my test subjects were meteors, it was me, them and the city, nobody else. Others people around me only got to imagine the deeds through my narrations. In a way, it wasn’t that different from fantasising. In my outside world, they didn’t exist, and if they touched by chance the rest of my world, efforts would be made for them to be deleted as fast as possible.

This is different. This is my hometown. This is my friend’s buddy. Someone who doesn’t live in my city, smokes, at the age of 30 still lives with his parents, has an improbable job and well… is not that cute, objectively speaking. Still, this happened.

This made me realise how stupid and pointless the whole online dating is. Not because it’s useless, not because it doesn’t work, but because it’s so limiting. I like this guy and apparently he likes me, still if I had seen his profile online I would have never contacted him for a long series of reasons and probably wouldn’t have even been bothered to answer back had he contacted me. And probably, it would have never clicked if we had met through an online dating service, because the first encounter would have been much more awkward, none of us would have felt free to just be who we are, I for one wouldn’t have felt free to drink two beers and a shot. And since we’ve already met and talked, if he acts like he’s interested now, it’s because he has seen the real me, not just a virtual image.

So I wonder where is the lesson in that. Should I just give up online dating? Should I give many more chances to all the e-guys I don’t like who contact me? Should I stop excluding profiles just because some of their characteristics don’t match my requirements?

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