I hate my life right now.

I hate my job, because I can’t be bothered to do it, I don’t like my colleagues and I’m not friends with them, because I can’t concentrate and do anything but my job, because I feel overwhelmed by the things I haven’t done in these past few months, because I can’t find another one and because I need one, because I am not motivated, because it’s cold in the office and because I never talk to anyone and feel alone in here.

I hate my social life, because I never take part to social events, my always so few friends tend too stand me up, because I don’t have any more time to arrange to see them, because I don’t have a group of people with whom I can always go out, because I wish I could take part to hundreds of courses or events where I could make new friends but I have no time nor money to do it.

I hate my love life, because it’s only just mine, because I like too many guys way too soon and too strongly and I never get to be with any one of them, because I thought I had changed and that my love life would have been different while it’s totally not, because just so little time ago I was happy or thought I was and never had to worry about these things, because I seem to have lost a good guy out of no reason.

I can’t hate my sex life just because I don’t have one.

I hate my parents because they’re supposed to be the only people who are always there for me but in truth the relationship we have completely prevents me from relying upon them and being with them only ever ends up being a stressful activity.

I hate myself because I can’t seem to shake off this depressing state I’m in, because I used to be a bomb of life, happyness, carelessness and optimism and now I feel like a restless ghost, because I can’t change as quickly as I would like to, because I can’t find a way to help myself any more than I am doing, and what I’m doing hardly is enough.

In a way I hate my skating too. It’s the only thing that keeps me up, everything that could bring me some joy, some satisfaction and personal fulfillment, everything that fills my days and my prode with the progress I’ve made, but I can’t deny that I don’t like the way I look while I skate. It’s just another thing I would want to improve so much and I don’t know if I ever will be able to, and if so, it’s going to take just so much time.

I hate the fact that I don’t like my life right now and it seems that I just can’t change it in any way. I hate to see the time flying by and me waisting days doing nothing good and feeling like a wreck. I miss a purpose, I feel like when you try to run in your dreams and no matter how hard you try you can’t even move a leg. I feel useless and a loser to spend my days at home baking and watching TV while the world keeps on turning out there, and the worst thing is that I used to feel good about it and I realise I don’t anymore just because I am in a twirl of pessimism and agony. I just want to shake it off, any way I can. But nothing or nobody seems to help.

And in all that, I have also lost the only thing that gave me some hope and strength…

Again, maybe I’m just obsessing while I should just realise I am nothing but heartbroken.

Advertisements