There is good pain and bad pain.

I am reading this book, trying to do something good for myself, which cleverly divides paranoias into two separate categories: beneficial paranoias and harmful paranoias. Harmful paranoias are obviously the ones that in the end bring along negative feelings and a general malaise. Beneficial paranoias are the ones that ultimately save you or make you feel better than you would feel if you didn’t linger on them.

I suppose the same can be said for pain and sorrow. Pain cannot be good, but it can be beneficial. Grieving is the necessary process which takes you through the pain of a mournful event until you are reborn, with new strength and new wisdom. Grieving involves pain, it is pain, pure and simple.

What I mean when I say that maybe this I’m experiencing is nothing more than a broken heart, is exactly this. Maybe this pain is not the evil sorrow brought by mental or personal issues, or at least not entirely, maybe it is the beneficial pain of a grieving which not only shouldn’t be avoided, but is necessary and will be healed only by patience and time.

Any attempt to actively participate in the process by looking for activities which could restore my balance won’t go to waste, since my dear balance in all honesty has never been there and needs some uncovering and restoring of its own.

Maybe every one of us goes through such a phase after a break-up, only some of us recognise the face of their demons better than others. Some call their fears by their first name, other just say they miss their former partner. It’s a matter of emotional intelligence.

And experience.

Maddie is going down too, now that Coach seems to have found new entertainment, but even though she cries every day just like me, she counts on the tranquillity of knowing that it will go away, because that’s exactly what happened in the past. She know that she can survive crying every day for years, and still wake up one day feeling new and cleansed and ready to embrace the world.

This arising-phoenix philosophy unfortunately only goes so far for me. To some extent, I have lived it on my skin with Simon: every time I thought he would disappear I would break down just to be reborn and still after a flood of tears. I know deep inside I can come back from everything that life throws at me, but this is slightly different. I have spent my life getting over boys, more or less successfully, it’s something I’ve always had to come to terms with.

Being able to enjoy life alone and free myself from the very need of having a partner is alien to me. Never have I had the chance to experience such a state, never have I been happy to live my life exactly as it was, without even looking at specimens of the opposite sex.

Maddie is the one who has often had long-term relationships, I haven’t, I have been alone most of my life. I have had just this one. I don’t know what it means to reinvent your life after a break-up, I don’t even know what a break-up is. But in all the time I spent alone, I never really enjoyed that state. I was forced into it, not for my own will, or at least not consciously.

So yes, being alone is scary now because I am not used to being alone anymore and because post-break-up pains are ugly, but I feel like I’m going to have to fight much harder, I feel like my battle is not going to be only against time and tears, but against deeper and older demons, the ones that live inside of you and grow with you and sometimes outgrow you.

It may not be true, it may be just a matter of time, but how do I believe in something I’ve never experienced, while all of my past is pointing at another outcome?

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