The blunt truth is I am resistant to positiveness.

On some twisted level, I must like sorrow and self pity very much. I see this is what I am doing. I thought about my last post quite a while, because I have been reading other blogs and making comparisons is natural. I know what it is about other blogs I like, I know why some words inspire me and other don’t. It’s seeing a process lurking under the words, understanding how the writer got to those conclusions after a more or less painful development and learned from the process. Learned how to be better, to feel better, to love and accept more and possibly hate less.

I keep hating.

I want to love so badly, or I say I do, but I just don’t do it. Maybe I’m really not ready, maybe I just hide behind this and find excuses not to do it, not to be proactive in this. Funny how admitting this is yet another self deprecation…

I also noticed how using and abusing the word “I” instead of any other type of pronoun or generalised subject doesn’t let other people empathise that much. As much as I have already stated that this blog is meant to be written rather than read, maybe literally getting over myself could help in the end.

And while the purpose of this blog was originally just venting and analysing the feelings behind my thoughts, and while accepting that venting is better than keeping everything locked inside and letting hate erode and rot you from the inside out, maybe trying to distill positiveness out of negative feelings may indeed help convince myself of looking at the brighter side of things. Because right now, I think I lost this skill, and I did acquire some, if not the whole of it.

I lost some hope in love, too and feel like my guiding light was blown out. I believe I want and need to feel love, yet I doubt that I am able to give and accept that much. While I identify the couple as a symbol of stability and belonging, I can’t not think of how I couldn’t manage the couple I had and fear I will never really be able to.

I love the idea of love, but what life has shown me about it doesn’t look like that idea in the least. When I see couples now, I think most of them don’t love each other but simply need the presence of someone, I think that they stick together after years because it’s more comfortable and safer than rejecting settlement for their real desires, I see people resenting each other still dragging their feet along beside each other, unable or unwilling to break free. I see endurance, resignation, routine and blind acceptance.

I understand a lifetime together cannot be spent as carelessly and dreamily as the first few months of a relationship, but nobody seems to be interested in asking themselves if the advantages exceed the disadvantages anymore. Everybody has this urge and urgency to settle down, once they hook a fish they take for granted it’s going to be forever and cannot be bothered by anything else.

I’m afraid, that’s the only real way it can happen. I’m afraid asking yourself too many questions sooner or later will necessarily lead to answering “no, it’s not what I really want”, that settling for the greater good of being able to start a family takes precedence over the person you find to start it with. This makes me believe that “forever” will never be. And right now, I’m fine with it. I don’t want to start a family, I would like to have a companion. The person matters the most to me, I don’t need financial support, I don’t need a reliable husband to come home to the children every night. I want someone who can make me happy, who I can make happy with my presence, with my emotional support, with my being. But in the long run, what it means is figuring out life on my own, accepting that love will only be present in my life as short, sweet brackets in time. If I could be fine with it, I guess I could be happy with living love really to the bone and never settling for anything less than the real thing.

 

P.S. The fact that I received a “like” from a user named “Fat Doctor” after writing a post about how I don’t get enough attention from men is plainly insulting.

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