I’ve taken my decision. A small, but radical one. Because after a full year, I need to remind myself that I am trying change, for a change.

I’m going to start taking anti-depressants.

For two main reasons:

I can’t provide a reason why I shouldn’t.
I used to be adamant about this, no drugs. As of now, I don’t even remember why I was so resolute about this. Probably: I just wanted to suffer. I wanted it the hard way, I was scared of being reaped of my own soul if I had stopped feeling fully. I was scared I might stop working on myself and hold on to the easy way out. It’s not going to happen. I canged my mind when I saw the effects on my ex, it helped take the edge off and if he decided to stop working on himself, it was his decision. I always take things head on, the hard way; I’ve been telling myself to cut myself some slack over and over, but doing it is harder than I expected. So, yes, this helps in cutting some slack. I’ll welcome it.

I’ve never done it before.
It’s not about trying everything once in life. It’s about knowing how the past went and learning from it. Change is about taking everything that is usual and questioning it, so if I know how much I got or did’t get better in the past without drugs, it’s time to give it a try, if nothing else because maybe it really is the kick-start I need. It may be the exact self-help I need to get a different perspective and start learning from my falls without aching for the bruises.

It’s scary because it’s admitting it got that bad. It’s giving it a first name: depression. But just a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, depression by any other name would stink as bad. It doesn’t matter if I call it depression or blues or anything else, the pain is there all the same. It doesn’t matter how I baptise the pain, it’s there. If my head hurts, I get FANS, if my heart hurts, I get chocolate, if my mind hurts, I take anti-depressants.

It doesn’t need to get any worse, to allow myself some relief.
You don’t need to hit rock bottom before you start ascending again.
It’s one step forward, farther away from the me I used to be and I want to leave behind.