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It must be the spring. Let’s just blame the spring.

The week that just passed left me stressed, tired and wearied out. I had to deal with any kind of uninvited trouble, starting with a broken boiler, followed by organisational problems of any sort at the arena, trouble with the phone company, a very bad training fall which probably lead to a cracked rib, a whole week of news blackout from Alex, a major Campus reunion, my first attempt to enter the wonderful world of Adventures Worldwide… it was turbulent.

Campus reunion was weird. It was the first time in a very long while I attended one of these meetings alone. I met my ex husband at Campus. Still, there were a lot of people there, some of whom I hadn’t met since I left Campus, and one of them, Missy, didn’t even know who I had been with all this time. I told a few people that things had changed, that we are not together anymore, and while it’s still strange admitting this to people in general, these people were there with me before I even met my ex, it was like reconnecting to the past exactly where I left off. Many of them had a hard time recognising me; they were used to see me in my jeans and snickers, with long hair, no make up at all and well, it was 7 years ago… but all of them were pleasantly surprised. Spending time playing foosball with the boys just like I used to was bliss.

Talking to Marco again was strange. Talking to Lawrie again was stranger.

These are the people I was closest with when my relationship started. And for one reason or the other, I lost contact with both of them. Lawrie was starting a relationship in the same exact moment back then, one that would rip him of all his friends and make him a completely different person. Of course we couldn’t know beforehand, we see the results now. He’s been with this girl – a really stupid cow – a long time, and I found out just the other night that they had finally split up. But he hasn’t gone back to being the person he used to be anyway.

The manwhore… we used to be so close, once he came to me and told me “Hey, I’m graduating tomorrow, how about we get my mum’s new car and start a road trip the day after?”. So we went, drove for some 2000 miles and stayed away a week. He shot videos of the toilet door while I was inside, commenting the whole thing. I had just gotten together with my ex then. We’re complete strangers now, we hardly even talked to each other.

With Marco it was different. It was all as usual, his bulky presence, his filthy glasses, the nonsensical conversations. It was just where we left off, it felt strange thinking it had been indeed 4 years since the last time we saw each other. Still, everything is different now.

And then Sunday I spent the afternoon at Louise’s and Maurice’s, talking about the failures of my marriage. They are getting married in September and the news of my separation  shocked them to a point that they wanted to make sure they wouldn’t fall in the same pit, so we organised “the sermon”. Talking about it came naturally, just like talking about a book you’ve read dozens of times over. As I spilled everything, I noticed panick on Louise’s face every now and then whenever I pointed out peculiarities she could relate to, be it the fact that my ex used to think about work and work only, or that I used to have very few friends just like she does. And each time they got worried, I only thought they should not.

Under so many points of view they are different from the couple we used to be… starting from the fact that they actually wanted to try to understand what can go wrong in a marriage, to the fact that both have had at least one other long-term relationship and both stated that what they have now is not even remotely comparable to the other relationships. People say when you meet that special someone you finally understand why it never worked with anybody else… Then they told me how they met, and I almost started crying. They both used to write blogs and started commenting on each other’s pages until one day they decided to meet. They were very worried about revealing this details, I guess most people would think it’s disdainful and stupid. I couldn’t help thinking it’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.

I really hope I am the exception here, that it will work out perfectly for them and for all of the others left agape by my shocking story. They can’t see it, probably, but I like to think it worked out for me too.

 

In my country, which for the sake of my anonimity won’t be disclosed, divorce is evidently still an issue.

My ex husband and I subscribed a mobile option a couple of years back, where both our lines were registered in his name, all in a single contract with the land line and internet services.

We have managed to split the contract so that the landline and internet services are now under my name, since I am the only one still living in the same house, whereas we were told the same wasn’t possible for mobiles because our contract wasn’t expired yet. That still sounded reasonable.

Now, the mobile contracts are expiring in a couple of weeks, so the company called me asking if I were interested in renewing the same contract. I accepted, since the offer was good, but after SEVERAL phone calls, I was told it was impossible to carry out the procedure.

The company cannot change the name of the subscriber in a contract under no circumstance. It cannot be changed, even if two or more phones are connected to the same contract, the payments must be issued by the same contract holder and even if up until 2 years ago, my number was registered under my name, now it cannot be disconnected from that contract in any way.

I have to let this contract expire and find another provider, unless I accept to change my phone number (which by the by I haven’t changed in over 15 years).

That would not be outrageous, per se, until you consider that I am currently customer to a company whose services I used to appreciate, which offered me a very advantageous deal, including a free smartphone, whereas any other provider offers me 25% higher monthly bills and requires a payment of at least 50£ for any smartphone.

I am embarking in this adventure because I need to well… separate my phone bills from my ex husband’s, since we are separated, which means the separation brought for both many extra expenses and a general increase in costs since we’re not splitting anymore. I could really use a good deal. Sure, I don’t need a smartphone to survive but still…

I wish I had the time, the money and the patience to get to the end of this, because I am pretty sure this goes against a few discrimination regulations.

The house is emptying.

First it was the boxes full of newly Amazon ordered stuff, then a few kitchen appliances, then clothes and toileteries. It feels different. It doesn’t look like my house anymore, it looks like something is missing.

Indeed, what it isn’t anymore is our house, and what it officially is is my house. I need to get used to the voids, used to the order and cleanliness that were never there before. I need to take the time to rearrange it as my place.

I slept alone tonight. It wasn’t frightening, his physical presence was the one thing I didn’t really miss. It’s the stuff, the change I see in the environment around me.

The first weekend alone in the house. The first full day of loneliness. It’s so hard I can hardly breath.

I went out with Maddie last night, we went clubbing to a place near her home, in the hope of finding someone she used to know and reconnecting to old acquaintances. That obviously didn’t happen, plus it was one of the hardest nights so far. I realised how hard it’s going to be to meet someone new, to make new friends, especially with no money or little time.

I hate clubbing. I hate the fact that the music is so loud that you can’t even talk, I hate the fact that you can’t see around because of the lights, I hate the fact that people is supposed to go clubbing to meet new people and you end up even sadder and lonelier once the night doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.

At the same time, I really don’t have the money right now to do any other thing that could bring me to meet people. Any course I might enrol in costs more than I have, if I want to go to New York to Sabrina and I just can’t fathom what would be best in the long run.

Luckily at least, we ended the night talking in Maddie’s car in front of her house as I used to do when I was 18 with Faith. That’s one thing that can always make me feel good. Apart from when she made me realise how wrong it is to rely so much upon a partner as I need to.

I see the two sides of this thing. I know how wrong my attitude could be, because, as she says, you can’t really trust men. But on the other side, you just can’t try to build a serious and deep relationship without relying on them and trusting them fully.

I understand the way my heart functions, I understand and I see that I can’t connect to friends the way I connect to a partner. I know it shouldn’t be like this, that I should learn to rely on other relationships as well and that this is how I felt in the beginning of my awakening. I don’t know if I lost it because it was all a lie or because of the grief I’m feeling right now. I don’t know how much of what I am feeling is normal and to be expected or if it’s my issues.

I feel lonely because I am missing all the feelings I used to have inside. There is a hole there now, instead of what was filling it and I have no idea of how I am ever going to be able to fill it if not with the same kind of feelings. This is why I feel the need to love again so much.

I miss the way it made me feel. The safety, the tranquility. And I wonder how much of that feeling was granted by the mere fact that there was love and companionship or how much it was my husband as a person to grant me that. As long as I can’t change the fact that I need to have a partner to feel whole, I have to wonder whether any person I am in love with could do or if different characters may not give me what I need. I am for the first time wondering if there was more to our relationship than I can see.

But then again, I don’t know if it’s the grief talking or the truth. When I feel well, when optimism can break through I feel hope and I feel like everything is going to be ok, but when I’m not all I can think about is being with him, calling him, seeking help with him. If I need to rely on a man so much, shouldn’t I be with someone I can trust completely?

Will time be enough to heal or will be difficult as it has ever been?

I don’t know what to expect. I’m feeling so bad that I can’t figure out how I’m ever going to feel better than this. It feels like it’s going to be like this forever. And probably it won’t, anybody would tell me it’s going to go away, but the truth is I don’t know that. I have never gone through this sort of break up, I have no idea if I’ll ever work this out or if I’ll just end up being frustrated and angry with life just like I was before.

There is no doubt on the fact that I am in pain. I should rejoice there is at least this certainty in my life right now. Of course, I do not rejoice about pain, even if it’s healthy, even if it meant I am healing, like a itchy crust.

Because I don’t feel like it’s taking me anywhere. I might use it to lift myself up and grow further, but as it is, it feels useless and static.

http://ruthrutherford.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/the-cavities-of-the-heart/

This post tells a very important truth about pain: just like karma imbalances, pain is there to let you know something is wrong. I completely agree with that and this definition fits perfectly for sorrow as well. Only, in my case, it’s not that easy to understand the source of the pain. Of course, there is the pain connected to the separation, but there is also the pain related to the poor status of my mind – or soul, or spirit. Understanding which has to be fixed in order to get rid of the pain is a challenge.

I was seriously wondering yesterday if I’d have gone all the way with the separation, had I know what it entailed in terms of suffering and uncertainty. The point, 6 months ago, was that I felt great. For the first time in my life I felt optimistic, full of hope, strong and confident. All of that is past now, none of it fuels me anymore, or rather all of it turned to its opposite, dragging me down in an even worse state than before I was illuminated.

I am back to the state I was in three years ago, when I started my therapy.

I keep wondering whether that sprout of optimism wasn’t completely crazy instead, totally otherworldly. I don’t see second chances, I don’t see a bright future, that enables you to fight the difficulties ahead for the sake of its arrival, I don’t see myself better off without my husband. Of course the situation got so unbearable at home, there is really no other way now than catching our breath on our own for a while.

What if I keep misjudging which part of me I have to mend in order to be free of the pain? All of this introspection I think I need comes from the necessity to clear at least partly all the confusion in my head and heart. I always fear I won’t be able to understand what I really want, because of all the noise my mental issues create around my true feelings. How do I understand how much I care for someone, if the fear of being alone fills up all the rest? How will I know when to fight for someone, if my pessimism is always telling me to let go? How do I make life changing decisions if I don’t believe in myself enough to be sure to overcome any difficulty?

I am also barely able to withstand all the pressure around. I can’t concentrate on work, I can’t bear for more than 5 split seconds all the things I regularly hate of my job, I can’t stand the fact that I can’t find another one, that I need the money more than ever, that there is no way I can get a leave of absence when all I’d rather do would actually be checking myself in at the nearest asylum and stay there free from external influences until…

And “there falls the donkey”, as the Italians would say, there’s the rub. I’m starting to believe that there will never be a time when I’ll be healed. I will have to live with this wounded mind for the rest of my days like a cancer patient: at times I will need treatment, at times the tumor will still be there but it won’t bother me much, and with time who knows, it may recede spontaneously… or metastasize.

Maybe it’s ok, maybe it’s just the way I am and I will have to learn to live with this, but I can’t let it spoil all of my decisions, I can’t end up a wreck like this every time I go through hard times. Hard times are hard on their own, I don’t want to add to it.

The separation is what brought on the crisis, so it’s only natural to think that if I get back with him, part of the pain will go away. But the problems would stay. I could ditch Hector and Kolya, leave Coach behind once and for all and close my online dating profiles. I still couldn’t refrain from eyeing the cute passers-by. I still couldn’t start liking him the way I used to, because I just don’t like him that way anymore. He is an anchor, he is a life raft, he is a handhold, but he is not my lover anymore and I can’t force myself into believing anything different. I guess, he is the closest thing to a functional family I have. I love him in a way, I trust him, I feel somewhat safer around him. But I can’t see him as my partner anymore. I only very much wish I could.

Alpha, Omega and everyone in between

As the day of the camp gets nearer, all of my energy is fading away. I feel so damn tired. I believe physical weariness is partly responsible, but it’s my brain that needs a holiday more than my body. I wish I had a switch, a full blown switchboard, where every thought can be turned on and off as I see fit. I haven’t learnt to do this yet, being able to focus on anything else when there is a precise thought running around in loops in my head. When I was younger I couldn’t study, now I can’t work, while all I would need for my sanity’s sake would be to just let go, not think about it and concentrate on something else, the more practical the better. I just can’t shut it out instead, it keeps haunting me, it feeds on my energy and my tenacity, I succumb to it. Unless I learn how to accomplish this, it will start pushing me away from anything good still left.

I am starting to be weary of training as well. It used to be my refuge, the one sacred ground where I could free my mind from thought and let my muscles dominate time. While this is still true up to a certain point for any time I go practicing alone, I can’t stand training anymore. It just became so heavy, so massive, it’s not about the sport anymore. Concentration is key and a thousand voices keep racing in my head while I try to do things. I can’t do it with all of this noise, worrying about the way others see me, worrying about other eyes on him, worrying about his eyes on me, worrying about my disability to concentrate in order to succeed. I am going to be there on Friday to the social dinner and I am going to camp, but right now, I wish I didn’t. I just find it so useless. The day I called him, it must have been the weather, the talk I had with my husband, the fact that everything seemed ridiculously pointless, but I had the absolute certainty while talking to him that I just invented everything in my own head. There was nothing there, nothing at all. When I got home from training last night I couldn’t bear the idea of being exactly in the same spot in a week with nothing left to hope for. That is how it’s going to pan out, nothing happening, not a hint and a whole lot of time, energy and money down the drain. The top of the irony would actually be if he hooked up with someone else while at camp. I realised this just yesterday, never thought of it before. And again I heard the voice of the 17-year-old me saying “did you seriously think someone like him may like someone like you, given a choice?”.

There is just no way out of this, it doesn’t matter how much time I wasted ever since I became a teenager, this part of me will never change. I will always want the guy much more than I reasonably should, I will always be the one battered and left behind with no boyfriend and a broken heart, the one with the systematic bad luck in love. Grabbing the guy I want will never be my thing, no matter how much Cosmopolitan I read, how much make up I use, how high my heels and how short my skirts are. The only time this ever happened was at Campus, with K. I wanted him before he had even started looking at me and I felt like I had won him over in the end. I may have fallen for other people, but it was always in response to their approach or just a casual encounter. It may be absolutely futile to reason about who started what, if we got together in the end, but it matters to me. I need it not to be an exception. Maybe this does have to do with my confidence more than I care to admit, but so be it. I just need to prove my theory through a practical experiment, theory is not enough.

These are the moments I fear, because I feel the lure of staying exactly where I am, changing nothing and swallowing all as is. I repel at the idea of staying with my husband because of this, because of desperation, distrust and lack of drive. Of course it would be the most convenient way out, but it feels so wrong. It feels like the reason we got together in the first place.

While listening to Muse yesterday I found out that at the end of the CD three additional tracks had been burnt. It was a gift from Second Fred. One of them was “You make me feel brand new” from Simply Red. I remember we talked about this one song one night, I just didn’t recall it was in this CD or never really noticed. it reminded me of him at first, of how nice he always was with me, although he had never been in love with me. But then I just thought of Mick’s words, how beautiful they are and how I am supposed to feel that way about my husband but I just don’t. I can’t. I feel like a monster when I think of all the feelings I have lost, I wonder if getting them back would be good or bad.Would it help me get back on track or would it just push me to guilt?

One question lingers in my head: why do I want to start anew with somebody else instead of transforming the relationship I have had for the past 6 years? I still can’t find a proper answer. I feel the need to break free and I don’t know why, I don’t know why I feel so insulated from the past, why it feels like a gap in history. I can’t understand if it is a step forward or backward. Was I neglecting my past while I was with him or am I reconnecting to the past now to make sense of the part of my life I shared with him? I can’t feel the good of it anymore. I remember it as if through a photograph, not being there, only seeing it from the outside. Somehow I don’t want to reconnect with that part of my life, but I don’t see the reason why. I think I may be afraid of losing what I just gained, more confidence, albeit intermittent, femininity, optimism, carelessness, trust in others.

I hurt when I hear him say he doesn’t want to talk about this with anyone, that he doesn’t really have friends, because it’s like listening to the old me. He probably added to my basic distrust of people, nourished it instead of helping me overcome it, and we just shut the world outside, thinking that we were enough for each other. I don’t believe in this anymore. I am trying to abandon my constant demand for perfection, or maybe I have already left it behind and don’t even remember it (unless I’m training) that shows in every time I mess up and don’t get mad or frustrated over it. He has always been the one I had to hide my imperfection from. This may be a big influence from the circumstances, but I feel like he demands perfection but never teaches anything.When he does, it’s just to show the world how good he is compared to them.

I was reading another stupid forum about marital problems and someone raised the problem of alpha and beta males. I had the impression, and  wrongly told him so, that he needed to grow a pair, since he always looks subdued and puppyish. So I started thinking maybe I needed more of an Alpha male. I am actually starting to believe the exact opposite. He is dedicated to the job, thinks he is better than the vast majority of the world’s population, can’t stand being told what to do, never talks about himself and his emotions. He may be subdued with me, which by the way I can’t stand lately, but other than that I don’t see much beta. Maybe I need only an Omega man: someone who is himself and creates the perfect equilibrium between different qualities that make him unique and perfect for me.