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Sometimes I amaze myself. Considering I’m supposed to be depressed, this notion amazes me in itself.

Yesterday at training the most awkward thing happened to me. It was a “good” session, it had been long since such a good session, I’ve been feeling very negative in the last few months. It might have been because I received the final list of participants for my upcoming competition and the spark lit up again. So at one point in the evening, I was jumping and my feet autonomously and anarchically decided to perform a technical element I had never tried before. And it came out perfect. Just like that out of nowhere.

I’ve been laughing about it ever since. Thinking of it, there was just another instance in my life when something similar happened: when I would use a particular word in English I had no idea I knew.

It makes me feel gifted, special.

I am also amazed of how I keep growing, even, especially when I don’t realise it. You feel stuck, you are sure you keep dealing with the same issues over and over again, in a loop, then all of a sudden you lift your head in astonishment when you grasp you have come to a turning point. And you didn’t even notice you were walking on that path.

These are the times when I almost believe that things can change. It’s not a belief yet, it’s just a background question. It puts desperation on pause. It makes you wonder that you have to concede that the ways of the world are wiser than you and things are going to be ok in the end.

No one will ever know how long it’s going to take and patience is always scarce, but there is a path and sometimes I wake up walking on it.

Today then I stumbled upon this column from Dr. Deepak Chopra and it was one of those moments where you can’t help nodding at every word you read, because they are describing your life like a mirror.

A few seconds after reading how I should stop feeling unlovable just because an unlovable person made me feel like I was never enough, I connected the dots.

I started out my career as a personal assistant in a polished world-renowned consulting firm – please add sarcasm to the statement. When I started working, I was thrilled at the idea of spending 10 hours in an office and working my ass off, because I was finally aware and confident of my skills and capabilities and 18 months of Ivy League level companions made me feel like I belonged to the brainers’ club. I couldn’t wait, I was ready to face any challenge and come out of it victorious.

Too bad I ended up serving – or should I say babysitting – one of those narcissistic assholes who are parked inside a company at highest positions like a statue, who likes to bully people around, dispense insults and humiliations like morning greetings and just loves to make your life miserable with the excuse that he’s really teaching you something about life. Nope, in my country people like that don’t get fired or sued, they make partner. That’s the reality of life that he actually taught me.

Needless to say, I was burnt out within 2 months, crying every single morning before going to work within 3 and looking for a new job within 4. Of course, I had to go through the typical stigma of people not believing that it was that bad… until they overheard one of the Saturday morning calls, then they would believe just how bad it was. Everyone in my position would have fled, would have burnt out, cried and gotten depressed. It’s just how it is when someone shatters your self-worth day in and day out.

But only today I fully realised that it was just a little bit worse for me. I never regained a particular joy of work, I don’t care for my career anymore, I am scared to leave my current position, which does not stimulate me in the least, because I know how worse off I could be. Not because of a single bully, but because once again I found myself in the situation of facing someone who could not be pleased with me no matter my efforts in the matter. I could have been the best worker in the whole continent, he would have deprecated my job nonetheless. I was smart enough to understand that even back then, I saw how he kept contradicting himself just to prove that he was always right and anybody else was always wrong, but the damage was done.

I wonder if all of this would have happened anyway had the wound been left closed.